The end

[mustardseed]

Spoke to the principal today about my planning. She had some concerns, the same ones that I am having a hard time with. I discussed what some of my challenges were. She asked me what I would want if I had a magic wand. I gave her some suggestions, but thinking of having to keep doing this amount of work for another year even is not appealing to me in the slightest--Of course I didn't let on. I am willing to continue to do the best I can until the ship sinks. But at the same time I need to take care of myself. I keep losing weight, even though I stopped trying months ago. People keep making comments about how I need to stop. I know they are coming from a place of concern, and honestly I think I look better 5 pounds heavier. I just have no time to eat, and no appetite to remind me to.

I know it is all stress related. Home stress. Work stress. Everyone is looking at me like I am a fragile mess. I'm sure my coworkers think it is because I can't handle my job. And I'm sure my H and OW think it is because I am so hung up on him and unraveling due to losing control over that situation. And I guess it is kind of both.

When I tell veteran teachers (not coworkers) how I alternate between wanting to quit and loving my job they all say, "yep, that pretty much sums up the first year". So part of me thinks that maybe it will get better and I will start to enjoy it. That is what is keeping me from throwing in the towel. But another part of me thinks that in this particular assignment that won't happen. More students are being added to the class in the summer, one of them with very challenging behaviors. I like working with behaviors, but i like it better when that is my focus, not when I have to plan lessons and assessments and teach, and manage the room, and delegate to assistants all at the same time.

Anyway, the P told me she still wasn't sure what was going to happen. I told her I understand and I am prepared for whatever ends up happening. But that I was optimistic. She said that she is starting to move slightly in that direction but she isn't quite there yet.

My anxiety has been pretty high all day and didn't go away after the meeting, but I don't know if the anxiety is from fear of losing my job, or fear of having to do this for another year. I made an appointment to see my GP. I am out of the meds I got from the ER and I want to have a full checkup. The problem is the only appointment they could give me is before school lets out. I don't know if I should take a 1/2 day (which I have plenty of) or if I should just try to leave 30 minutes early to save the stress of leaving my class for a full 1/2 day. I'm also going to have to meet with my lawyer. I really hope we can make late afternoon or early evening appointments because with my job on the line I really don't want to be taking too many days.

As it is I feel sick to my stomach about how many hours I am going to have to spend away from my planning because of my theater plans this weekend. But there has to be a balance, right?

I also talked to my L. We are waiting to see if he really filed. I told her that my feeling have changed about what I am willing to sacrifice for the sake of peace. I want what I deserve.