I went for chemo last week but my white blood cell count was too low so I skipped. Yay! But I went to today...boo! So far the treatment is okay. I am okay. Praise God! I do get a little tired here and there and don't have many taste buds. No metal tastes, no mouth sores, and no neuropathy...praise God! My oncologists is very happy with my progress.
I met with my atty yesterday. I was soo nervous since I hadn't really met with her since I filed my counter petition last December. I felt I was going to the principal's office. I didn't know what to expect. I was dreading it. So when I showed up, I was nervous and anxious.
She calmed my fears. I know she's on my side and she wanted to know everything about my current health situation. I revealed that it's stage IV cancer. I told her that my H doesn't know it's stage IV cuz I told him it was stage III. She said that he needs to know the truth. So I agreed to that and she would inform his atty who would inform my H. After 3 hrs in her office $$$$, I have a lot to think about. I have to make the morbid plans. I have to plan. It's so scary yet I know very necessary. I have to plan for my children's future in case anything happens to me. I still pray for a miracle. I told her that I didn't want my H to know the real diagnosis cuz I didn't want him to "dance on my grave" and I know that whatever he knows, he tells his parents, who will probably help him fight for custody of our children.
It's come down to that. Once my H found out about the stage IV, he said that he wants our children until "I get better". I replied to my atty that I am very willing and capable of caring for our children. I am NOT dying. I have an excellent oncologist who has given me an excellent prognosis. I will beat this cancer. I will live a long time. My children are my life line. I had also read that it is a bad idea to remove children from a parent while they are fighting a disease because that causes greater anxiety for the children. They want to be there and make sure all is okay.
I especially know this is true when my child, who really doesn't sleep well, keeps checking in on me throughout the night wanting to make sure I'm okay. And when I went out of town to get more medical opinions, my children were so worried. That's why when the same medical treatment was recommended as my local oncologist had recommended, I chose to stay here. That way, I can be present for my children. It helps me heal too. I love waking up and seeing their smiling faces and having great big hugs. They are my life!
So, my H also wrote that I am controlling especially in our finances. I have always done our finances and when a major expense would come up, we'd talk about it. Well, since this separation, there have been two instances that the debit card didn't go through. They both were when my H had to go to the doctor. One time, I told him to try the cc, which worked but this recent time it was a large amount for his optometrist appt and glasses. I knew he was going to go sometime cuz he told me his glasses had broken and he thought he needed a new prescription. I didn't know when he was planning this. So the money was not available on the debit card but it was in our joint bill paying acct. If I had known, I would've transferred the funds for this appt. So he was so upset. As I understand, I would be too. He threatened to cancel the direct deposit of his paycheck and take control of the finances.
I explained to my atty that he has just as much access to our accts as I do. I use the debit card and checks for our bills. His direct deposit comes in and I pay for all the household; food, clothing, shelter. I don't prohibit his spending. Although I did ask him to cut back on the eating out. Just because he left, doesn't create another $1000 for eating out and entertainment. He did adhere to a budget for one month then he started spending more. Sometimes for himself but mostly for the boys. I know he must be making money somewhere else because the children have noticed new clothes and he really hadn't mentioned needing money for himself. He explains that he buys stuff at a thrift store. (with cash from where?? cuz it isn't through the cc or dc)
At the beginning of this drama it was, "you can have everything. I don't need anything." Then it was "I want half" and he came to take more stuff and took half of the items in the garage (2 days before Christmas). Now, it's "I want the kids, I want more stuff, and I want all the money."
On another note, my atty told his atty to prevent that OW and her children from being around my children. Since it hinders the the chemo from working since the children stress, it causes me to stress too. H said that it was just happenstance that the OW children and OW were around my children. But will do his best to avoid it. H says that his family is witness that my children and the OW children get along and play and don't show or express discomfort. I said, they don't express it to anyone and want to tell him but then H gets upset and defensive. I know that these two worlds will intertwine eventually but my children really aren't ready for that no matter how much he thinks that they're fine and well adjusted. Why would my children tell his parents how they really feel? His parents will only defend their son and wonder why my children feel different. I know my inlaws and my H.... they think I tell the children how to feel. I DON'T. I just tell them it's okay to feel whatever they're feeling. Feelings aren't right or wrong and they do change. If they feel angry or sad, it's okay just don't hurt yourself or others nor bottle it up. Please either, talk about it with a priest, a counselor, talk to me or a friend. If they feel happy, share it too with everyone. If they're uncomfortable then express it. I don't want them to feel stifled because it will then manifest into other ways.
I pray for their emotional, mental, physical and spiritual well being. I pray God will continue to show them HIS grace and mercy. My poor babies. It's not their fault. They are just trying to cope with everything. It's not resiliency, it's survival!
So much for destressing. I continue to pray for my H. I don't know who he is. I don't wish him harm. I don't want this to get ugly. I want to move on with my life too. I especially need our children to be well, safe, protected and comfortable. Lord help us!
As much as I want this D to be over, I need to heal and all this stuff isn't helping. I cried in the atty's office and said that I don't worry about the cancer. I just keep being pushed and stressed by my H about our children. This D is constantly in my face.
I need a job. I don't want that to be put over me either. It's weird, some people (inlaws and H) say that every wife should work to "help out financially". But yet, some people (inlaws and H) will want a parent to raise the children 100% of the time. So which is it? I stayed home and was raising our children (which we both agreed) and H worked. I think my children have benefited from this arrangement in our family. It's okay to work or not if given choices and opportunities. Now, where do I go? If I work, will my Inlaws and H might use that against me? If I stay home, they are already counting on me not being here. I'm sure they're planning for custody, especially with this new info. If my H has our children would he stop working? or would he leave our children at my in-laws?
UGH!!! UGH!!! UGH!!!
Sorry for this Huge RANT! I don't know whether I want to cry or punch a pillow. I am so disappointed and saddened. I love my children so much. LORD help me!
Thanks for the prayers and thank you so much for this board. Y'all are so wise. Praying for y'all too since I know I'm not the only one dealing with junk.
