The one advice that Starsky and I worked with newbies is that they need to convey to the WAS that it is their mess to clean up when it comes to ending things with the OW/OM. They created a huge amounts of destruction in their wake and they MUST take full responsibility for their choices.
No enabling W or helping her. You've told her that you want the NC letter sent and approved by you. You've communicated what she needs to do in order for you to feel emotionally safe again in the M. She's gonna have to step up.
As for getting back to the bed, getting intimate again...I'd put the brakes on it for a while. You would want to do a search of a solution based MC that is grounded in Gottman principles.
Right now, the focus is to SEPARATE permanently all contact with the OM if he is not yet the XOM. Keep in mind that there will be fits and starts as your W attempts to end things with the OM.
This particular phase will truly test your patience, Rubi.
