Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT Pt. 2

[Defacto]

Hello,
Time to start a new thread.

Here's the old one;
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2556647#Post2556647

[Defacto]

Journaling:
W called tonight to let D4 FaceTime with me. After talking with D4 for a few minutes, W calmly asked me what I wanted in all of this. W says she doesn't want it to fester. W realized that she hadn't let me talk or hear my perspective yet. W wants to schedule a time to talk because she knows that I won't call her.

I told W that I was in the middle of something and wasn't ready to talk right now but we could talk about it tomorrow night. W said she understood and that was fine.

So, what do you think the best way is to handle this conversation tomorrow? I'm sure she just wants to know where I stand with her intention to D. Should I tell W that I don't want a D but I won't stand in her way?

[MrBond]

Validate her reasons why she wants a D. Admit to your faults (not hers) and say that while you don't believe in D, you can understand what got her to this point. Tell her that you will not be doing anything yourself as it goes against your beliefs on M, but she is free to do as she wishes.

[mahhhty]

I am becoming Mr Bond's parrot. But I agree with him.

Also remember you are not a doormat. She was feeding you breadcrumbs yesterday, which means she is manipulating you to meet her agenda. It will do you no good to go into detail about your perspective. Keep it short as Mr Bond said. Remember that strength and confidence are your tools, neediness, reasoning and explaining will be your enemy. You broke down her A, she is in a weird place. Be Careful. I think it is really important for you to validate her position, and then acknowledge your faults (at a very high level), and to be detached even if you have to fake it

[Winhamn]

and to be detached even if you have to fake it

You'll almost certainly have a lot of faking it to do.

[Defacto]

Alright gang, I have been thinking about what to say to W all day. I actually had a previously scheduled DB coaching session today and I got some pointers from them too.

Here's what I got:

"Obviously, our relationship had some serious issues. And I know that I bear a lot of the blame for those issues. It must have felt absolutely awful being in a marriage where you didn't feel valued, supported, or appreciated. I know I hurt your heart beyond repair when I didn't cherish or love you like you deserved to be. I know I failed you in so many ways and I'm sure this left you feeling empty inside. All of these are valid reasons for you to want a divorce from me.

However, I do not believe that divorce is the right thing for our family right now. I will not be initiating or pursuing a divorce at this time.

I understand your reasons for wanting a divorce and you are free to do as you wish. I will strive to be amicable and respectful through this process."

Thoughts?

[MrBond]

That's not entirely validating. The whole first paragraph is how you say that you understand her, etc., then the very next paragraph you invalidate what you just said by saying "however". When you communicate with someone and say things like "But" or "However", it invalidates what you just said prior. Makes you seem insincere or that you're only telling her what she wants to hear. She'll recognize that in a heartbeat.

"I know I hurt your heart beyond repair when I didn't cherish or love you like you deserved to be."

And don't say things like this. If you say that you hurt her heart "beyond repair", then you should know there's no hope.

Keep it straight and simple and no feelings attached.

[Defacto]

That's not entirely validating. The whole first paragraph is how you say that you understand her, etc., then the very next paragraph you invalidate what you just said by saying "however". When you communicate with someone and say things like "But" or "However", it invalidates what you just said prior. Makes you seem insincere or that you're only telling her what she wants to hear. She'll recognize that in a heartbeat.

"I know I hurt your heart beyond repair when I didn't cherish or love you like you deserved to be."

And don't say things like this. If you say that you hurt her heart "beyond repair", then you should know there's no hope.

Keep it straight and simple and no feelings attached.

Mrbond, thanks for the great advice. Besides the aforementioned changes, where do you recommend streamlining the statement? My DB coach encouraged me to include a few examples in the first paragraph.

[Sotto]

Here are my suggestions...


"I know our relationship had some serious issues, and I bear a lot of the blame for those. It must have felt awful being in a marriage where you didn't feel valued, supported, or appreciated. I know I hurt your heart when I didn't cherish or love you like you deserved to be. I failed you in many ways and I'm sure this left you feeling empty inside.

I understand your reasons for wanting a divorce and of course you are free to do as you wish. Divorce isn't what I want, but I respect your wishes and will do my best to be amicable and respectful if this is your choice."

[MrBond]

Those are great edits by Toots.