When is kindness enough?

[Ripe]

Fogg, I especially thank you, because I just followed your example. We might not achieve much, but we have achieved a bed.
Starksky, I will eagerly wait for my wife to tell me again that I can sleep in my own bed and then do as you say.

Now some information.
After your advise I have read NMMNG.
At first I didn't identify myself with the book.
I still see my infancy as a perfectly regular one.
Nevertheless, after some thought I have realise I have been throughout my whole marriage (maybe not at the beginning) very manipulative.
I would give waiting to receive, getting frustrated for not getting anything (read sex) in return.
In order to avoid conflict I would not be truthful. I operated through covert contracts.
For these reasons and much more I avoided to have deep and emotional conversations with my wife, exactly the kind she needs. I was so afraid of telling her how I really felt and what I really thought of her, of us, of the M, for not getting the sex I needed.
Having seen my requests for intimacy rejected so many times I stopped asking for sex. It might sound strange, but it was me, the high drive spouse, who stopped wanting sex at all.
Now I know it was not her responsibility but it was up to me to clearly state my feelings and needs, in a plain and open way. No subterfuges, no indirect innuendo in front of friends about our sex life.

As to GAL, I don't have a regular schedule of activities.
I have focused myself on my kids and the results are amazing. They are so loving towards me, always kissing and hugging. Even the younger one, whom for some time I though I would never be able to strongly bond the way I did with the older one.
If I want to go to the cinema, now I go.
If a friend invites me out, now I accept, I don't refuse if my W sais she doesn't go. In fact, now I don't even ask her if she wants to come.
Her not wanting to come, do or participate does not prevent me anymore from going, doing or participating.

I don't call her and I avoid starting any conversation.
Now I say NO to her.
Even yesterday she asked me to book a plane ticket because she will fly home alone (I have always been the one buying them) and I told her she should be the one doing it. She asked me again and I told her it was her trip, not mine. She then said OK. After some moments I gave her the phone number she should call.
As you see, it's still a work in progress.
This has always been my major doubt and why I asked at the beginning "When is kindness enough?"
I am slowly starting to realize I have to be myself and only do things I feel comfortable with.
It's not always easy to distinguish when you're being yourself and when you're simply being rude.