Married young, W had affair w/ coworker Pt. 3

[UpperCu]

I'm 7 months in and although things are getting better, there are still many ups and downs. It seems I can go a week or two without thinking about W and the A, but then it all flashes back to the front of my mind and all the pain, hurt, jealousy, sadness is fresh all over again. Knowing she is still practically living with him makes me feel awful for the shred of desire left to be with her. How could I want her when she hurt me so deeply and continues on that path? It makes me disgusted in myself and her. It's so difficult and confusing. I want to have hope, but it's taxing my mental and emotional health to even think about it all.

I'm looking forward to starting school as that will be another distraction from my broken marriage, but afraid at the same time because I feel like I need a real heart change to get past this. I feel like I've moved forward a great deal, but then at times it feels like I'm still the same person inside as I was on DDay.

I have doubts about how I treated her harshly with firm boundaries, as my mind mixes together the good memories of her with how she is now. But then my thoughts run full circle as I recall the vicious and blatant lies she kept telling me, and I'm confident I would have taken the same course of action and set firm boundaries if I had lived through it all again. Although she was my wife before the affair, and was deserving of love and cherishing, after the affair I was not dealing with the same person, and have had to protect myself.

I'm trusting God to get me through each day. It's just that for me now; a daily battle. I'm thankful for the people and support I've received thus far on this board and in my life. I'm praying for a hint of light in the darkness as I haven't seen it yet.