My first H (who died) and I fostered troubled teens. Your twins are acting out and it is difficult to pinpoint the exact reason from posts. One of the reasons kids act out is to bring attention back to the family from an 'absent' parent. Your H is an absent parent in almost every way.

I haven't fostered twin boys (only a mixed sex twin pair much younger than your twins) but there are interactive dynamic spirals. Both positive and negative spirals. In fact in one case an older than her years girl aged 12 told me, "I wish mum would leave and take me with her. We can be happy and I can see my dad when he will have to pay me attention". This particular Father was a football fan and gambler and shouted through frustration. mum had a breakdown hence the foster care.

Your oldest child D is independent already and can be one of your supports if you separate and I would guess understands some of the ongoing dynamic. There is likely no need to explain more than that, your personal life is yours.

As to the younger boys at 16 they are almost adults themselves. They are still probably too young for independence.

All of your children are old enough to manage their own R with their father if you S or D. In my book there is no need to tell them about the addictions including OW. Your M is gone, not really because of a specific OW but as a result of his addiction. H has yet to get to step 1 of a twelve step programme, acceptance he has a problem.

I think it is enough for you to say individually to your children "mum is very unhappy and she has asked dad to leave. This is very hard for me but I have made up my mind on this. When you are ready please talk to me or your IC"

If you tell your kids together then H will run rings around you, may lie, or you may challenge him in a way which involves your children and creates arguments. This is one situation where mum acts bravely and alone. Your kids are not there for you to try a wake up intervention on your H. Such that he has a sudden realisation of what he is losing by seeing you all together.

Please seek an IC and on the ground help. It would be good if the IC was in the same practice as your sons IC too, so the family dynamic is understood by the IC.

Peace today

V

Last edited by Vanilla; 04/21/15 08:48 AM.
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose.
V 64, WAW