Shakspr #5: I fear and hope, I burn and freeze

[Shakspr]

raliced:

It's another degree of powerlessness when it comes to my SS16. He seems to be getting excellent care - the facility has a good reputation. Only way to know will be a long term result. So I pray and hope for a better tomorrow for him.

I am one step ahead of you on those taxes. Basically, I was in a weird spot and losing the wife and the marriage was like two deductions. She let me keep the kids, but I lost a lot of Bush tax cuts but didn't adjust my deductions and...well, I make a good living. You just wouldn't know it for all the debt. Anyway, she has agreed to let me keep a child on for as long as I can to keep the head of household deduct.

Things have definitely evened out with D22. I'm taking her to her unit headquarters tomorrow before she takes off for her 2 week annual training. She hasn't asked for rent help for 3 months! Other stuff with her is pretty normal.

I am still mourning my marriage. I have a very hard time, even in my own private thoughts, thinking negatively of my XW. I recognize all that was, and all that could have been, and...it still cuts deep. I am not openly exposed to OM. Haven't even seen him in person yet. I suppose the day will come when my son invites me to a boxing match or my daughter is cheering, and there he'll be. Coaching my son. Ugh. Truth is, I don't think about him much except to wonder how the woman I married got mixed up with the kind of man who would draw a woman out of marriage. I know that sounds circular. I'm just disgusted by all of it...it's so grotesque to me that I don't process it much. I'm not hiding my head in the sand. I just know that it is unhealthy to dwell on the new life that she is building.

Speaking of which...it's odd how she seems to be moving forward, feeling good about herself (except when it comes to SS16...she seems downright embarrassed about that.) To an independent observer, I suppose I look like the messed up one. I tell myself that it's not true, and that long-term, there's really no comparison. But in the here and now...I want her whole world to come crashing down around her and everyone, including her, to see what a mess she's made. It's childish and pedantic, but it's how I feel.

Then I remember that my kids are right there in the middle of this, that they will feel the backlash just as soon as anything starts to fall apart. And I stop. And remind myself that a part of me will always love a part of her.

I recognize so much of what you are saying about your VERY detached STBX. How what he does or doesn't do affects you still, but that you feel free of the drama, and look forward to a future with heretofore undreamt possibilities. You're right - survivors, and I include myself in that group, don't stay down long. Try to have some fun with your projects. I'm going to try to do the same.

I get what you're saying about the eerily similar new voices. It is hard to believe my journey started less than a year ago. It makes what the vets do around here that much more impressive...this place is emotionally charged at all times, and rarely has it's roots in the positive, no matter how hard we try to build one another up.

Shakspr