Just posting on my mental and emotional location. Things that are good are just that. Good. I have the strength to appreciate and value them.
Still on a bit of an emotional boomerang. Back and forth. Pretty good, but... well... you know.
I mean, as I enter acceptance, I still find that what has happened is still unbelievable. When I think about what we were, I just can't believe we are here. That he could do this to me and my kids.
Having thoughts of revenge. Not that I'm going to. I mean, I'm not going to drive anyone into a tree, but... my mind is pretty creative.
When I read about that way back after nuke, the whole revenge thing, I remember thinking that I never even felt that. And how I was surprised that I didn't. Well.....
Is it normal? Am I further behind than I thought? Again... the same thing still bugs me. This show of a perfect family and kids. I mean... she really pulls out all the stops of portraying, really, what she believes she has! I mean seriously... don't you guys know??? It her world, and we are all living in it?
Naw... not really. I know this. I don't feel overly emotional about it. I just feel... creative.
I think I know why I don't sleep. I'm afraid to. I hate to sleep. I dread it. Yet, I am always tired. Even when I am bed and it's 3AM and my eyes are burning... I don't want to sleep.
Because then I can't control my thoughts. I always wake up about 10 min after I fall asleep with a jolt and horrific thoughts burning in my mind and my adrenaline is pumping... so I spend hours after that like a mental prisoner of war. So... I'd rather not sleep.
Other than that. Life is fabulous.
Oh, except this dummy... my mind is so out of it. Add to it my blonde moments...
Today I got up the courage to go to the grocery store. I cant remember the last time I've been in this place. Even when I think I'm going to go and plan it, I don't. I'm always afraid of running into someone and I am afraid it won't end good.
But I went! And owned it. But, I realized I was talking to myself for the majority of the time. When I saw some kid looking at me like I was crazy, I realized I had been doing it for awhile. Aaaahhhhh!!!!!
Then, as I was leaving... omg... there was a rubber stop sign in the walkway in front of the store- about 4 feet tall. I drove into it, over it, and it popped up on the side of my car and I had no option but to continue driving over it again with my back end. Duh. There was a guy driving up in the other direction. He put his hand over his mouth and made bug eyes and laughed. I got out and he said, "I think you're fine, I'd just leave." I checked it out, and it was, but I also know my mind was highly distracted... and i think I was talking to myself again.
OMG, you guys, if I start accumulating cats next... we have a serious problem. As of now, I have zero of them. Let's keep it that way. If I ever post that I'm getting one, please send reinforcements. I don't want to be that lady.
