Ripken - Trying LRT and going dark. Now what?

[Ripken8]

So after seeing that history and my story she's triggered by me and her past before me. She runs. I pursue she runs more. I get anxious and need sex because that means everything's ok and apparently she felt used by it. Lots of work on that pattern and I have healthier outlets to that now. But needs work on her part and continued on mine before we can be healthy. Hence the not pursuing and getting a life. What else specifically for me wonks or others?

[Wonka]

Do you know your own Love Language?
Do you know your W's Love Language?

Ever bought the 5 Love Languages by Gary Champman? It is a very good resource that is in line with DBing. Know thyself.

My LLs are QT and PT.

Women, generally, need to feel the emotional connection before the sex part. Women want to feel that they are desirable, beautiful, smart, capable. Sex is an extension of that.

Men, generally, need sex to feel emotionally connection with their wives. Sex to you is the glue that keeps the connection.

The trouble with two separate needs is that they clash and issues crop up in the intimacy. Women get very, very resentful if they feel that they're being 'used' to meet their husband's sexual needs thus feeling very objectified.

Emotional intimacy can be build up in other ways without the sexual component such as walking, holding hands, hugging, affectionate ruffle of the hair, talking about one's dreams and aspirations, asking about their day, their project...that is what drives a woman's engine.

You need to work on your self-esteem and confidence. A secure person celebrates the other person's gifts, interests, hobbies, friends, family and achievements.

Work on uncovering that man that's lost within you, Rip. Think back on how, when, and what made your W be attracted to you in the first place. Rediscover that man.

[Ripken8]

Yes. Mine is physical touch and quality time. Hence pursuin and our pattern. Here is acts of service and words of affirmation. I have read the book

[Ripken8]

Trying to. She was attracted to my confidence and that I was always there for her. Now knowing she doesn't want me there and doesn't feel she can she be intimate with me again my confidence is shot. Hard to be positive and confident when u think ur wife is lying to u and having an affair

[Wonka]

Rip,

That's good. Now tuck that information away in the back of your mind. Your needs and desires will need to be put on the back burner for the time being.

Meanwhile, continue working on those issues. Perhaps you might want to look into IC and work with a DB Coach.

People talk about doing 180s here a lot. I always tell newbies to do those 180s that they can live with because they're going to live with them for the rest of their lives. With or WITHOUT their spouse.

Do them for YOU. Not just to "show 'em!", but for your own personal growth. Lord knows! I've had to address and grapple with my own patterns.

I've become a touch less headstrong now than I have been the past. More open to listening to different points of view.

This work is yours alone and your path to walk on alone. We cannot do the work for you.

[Ripken8]

I have a coach and next appointment is in a couple weeks. Right before our anniversary and Mother's Day. Just so hard. Your guys support means so much for me

[Ripken8]

Also I am doing counseling once a week

[Ripken8]

Joe46 - How have u been able to get through the last 9 months o having the bomb drop in June, live together through the affair and sleep in separate rooms? That's exactly what I'm dealing with

[Joe46]

The wonderful people on here. Reading alot on all these threads and listening to the vets. I only really started on this site in January. So the summer and fall of last year was a nightmare. Toughest thing I have had to deal with.

I have stuck it out because of my kids. I am taking this time to work on me. I have got my confidence back better than it was before. I am still working everyday at it. Like I said, I am no vet but will gladly pass on what I have learned so far if it will help others. I read the success stories on here alot at first. Than I started reading what others were doing. I read the self help books. I work on me and spend time with my kids. I work on being the best ME that I can be. The type of person I want to be. If W comes along, there will be ALOT of work to do. If not, so be it. God has other things planned for me than

I'll check back with you later Rip! Gotta feed my kids. Listen to Wonka!

[Ripken8]

Thanks joe. I know you're newer but after mining through the lists there weren't many who seemed to be in the same age etc. I'm 34 and have been together 14 and married 11 just like you with kids and sleeping in separate bedrooms. Most that I read show divorce proceedings or separate houses. I'm going to keep trying to work on me and build up self esteem but it so hard with her right there everyday hiding texts and things from me.