A new M--a new me, a new him!

[Ambivalent]

Reaching, I'm going to be even more blunt. If a spouse knows the other spouse wouldn't like it, then it is considered disrespectful and unkind. I'm reading " Love Busters ".

One of the headings..." Habits That Bother Your Spouse Unintentionally Withdraw Love Units ".

Now this may or may not be a habit, but it is certainly a repeated pattern of behavior. Under the heading is this following quote: " The bottom line is that a couple who wants to stay in love must pay close attention to the way they affect each other... whether it is intentional or not , a couple's behavior will affect the love they have for each other.

So if one spouse finds some of the other's habits annoying they simply have to go. Otherwise their marriage won't be what either one of them wants it to be. "

My gut says this was an affair, maybe not physical but emotional. It is wrong, period. As for men and women being friends, yeeeeah NO!

If she is attractive in any way shape or form, then the man in him sees it, and has normal sexual urges. To tempt oneself by allowing an emotionally intimate relationship to develop, is begging trouble. It is putting his taker before the marriage and your relationship.
I believe you said the were extremely close...THAT is emotional intimacy. It means one or the other or both chose to be vulnerable with the other. THIS is part of the definition of intimacy!!

I go to church with a man called Col. Oliver North. You may or may not have heard of him. He is a very very attractive, physically fit man. He has been married for over 35 years! He goes out of his way to have a male assistant with him at all times ; when he is in the Middle East, or traveling within the U.S.

He does book tours and is constantly meeting women. He purposely does this so he is NEVER alone or tempted by other women! He is committed to his marriage and his wife!! He has set up a preventative measure to preserve his relationship and marriage because it is his priority. It is valuable and special. He doesn't want it jeopardized.

If you haven't read " Love Busters ". I strongly urge you to. This is supposed to be a new relationship and a new marriage. If this was a different person, not someone with whom you've been married, would this be acceptable to you? If so , why? If not why?

I would ask the person, why do you feel the need to have drinks with this woman, alone, out of the eyesight of the children or me? What is this relationship giving you, and what do you contribute to it? Perhaps not in that manner, but it is something which should be addressed. Why? Because you don't like it! Period!!

One of the things I've learned from all the reading I've done... If in a serious relationship but more importantly , if in a marriage, I should ask myself this: Is what I'm doing , or what I want, good for the marriage? As a couple it should be, is it good for us/our marriage?

Part of being married is to learn the balance of how to handle the giver and the taker in ourselves. Without that balance there is going to be conflict. We have boundaries and limits to what we feel will be good for us and our marriage.

It is so easy to say, I will not share my body with someone other than you, my husband. It is more difficult to say, I will not become emotionally intimate with another man. Perhaps for some it is easy , but others may find it more difficult. This is about keeping oneself only for the other. Not coming between another couple, nor allowing another individual to come between your relationship either!!!

This is where I draw a firm line in the sand. This is where he , I believe is testing you and with what he will be allowed to feed his taker in himself.

Sorry if this is so long. It really hit a nerve with me. And yes, Reaching, I'm taking a second hand offense. Why? Because I know how long and hard you have worked on this relationship. I know YOU are committed to it. I'm just not so sure about him. Too many red flags waving and it makes me very uncomfortable.

I'm a forgiver by nature. I know how difficult it is not to feel for another. To have too much empathy. I still struggle with this. It is easier from the outside to see things and apologize for them, than when on the inside and in love.


You have a gut feeling here , and I've learned to listen to my gut for so far it hasn't been wrong. As for the mind reading, that is why I'd ask the questions. I sure hope this is something that is brought up in counseling. I believe he is taking advantage of you. I'm not convinced that he is still in MLC but is or has become a selfish individual. Too many things just don't seem right. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. It just seems to me, that you are the one doing the work, and he is the one taking. You appreciate everything he does, but his actions to me seem disrespectful and self centered.

I hope I haven't offended you. It is certainly not my intent. I just care for you, and I know I would not do this to the man I love, if he didn't want me to do so. I wouldn't purposely disregard his feelings. For my relationship and marriage would take priority over a " friendship ". Hugs and a pump <3