Since Mozza touched on what I think is important, your STBXH doesn't have to have a personality disorder diagnosis for me to say that it appears his compassion & empathy chip is not working. I don't know if it has always been that way, and I would rather you not spend more than 20 seconds answering that.
We're products of our upbringings. If our nuclear family didn't say please and thank you, or learn how to make genuine apologies, it's probably not something that comes naturally.
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I want her to be strong enough to say, "you know, dad, I know you didn't mean it, but you hurt me, and i would like you to acknowledge that and respect my feelings instead of dismissing them."
Umm, Claire, she's 3? I know people who are 40 that don't do this well. So teach her by YOUR actions. Let her catch you in the act of doing stuff wrong and then working on correcting the hurts. Besides, it takes a lot of development (that comes with age and training) to express yourself clearly with emotional responses. Let's let her get potty trained first.
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I worry what that is teaching her and how to protect her from damage.
Your job isn't to protect her from growth, Claire. It's to guide her through it. Since you appear to have had the same kind of parenting as your H doles out, I'd suggest learning how to let her see you work through your own conflicts. Put on that teacher hat, and use these teaching moments effectively. Her dad isn't going to be the last person that hurts her, and she's got an entire lifetime to learn how to work through this stuff.
It's not you, but it doesn't require a shrink to know that you're going to have to be the one to show her the way...
Betsey
"There are only 2 ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
