Ripken - Trying LRT and going dark. Now what?

[Ripken8]

And most affairs end on their own after 6 months so there's still hope

[Ripken8]

Also why would she be asking my opinion on if I think she's fat or how she looks. Why would she care about my opinion if she's with that dude? Wouldn't his opinion mean more than anything?

[Wonka]

Rip,

Let's slow down a bit here. Back up a bit and please try to answer questions about February. Also how old are you and W? 40's or 50's? What was your dating history prior to M (both you and W)?

[Ripken8]

What do u want to know about feb? Also I'm 34 as if my wife. Been together 14 years and married 11. Nothing really serious for either of us before meeting and marrying

[Wonka]

This is what you wrote:

Ok. I'm worried that by doing that right now will make it harder for me to be confident and upbeat. Also I already did some of that in February and she took it as an ultimatum and continued to rebel

What happened in February? We were talking about gathering intel about a possible A.

[Ripken8]

She mentioned in January she had gone to dinner with another guy on a date but gave him a hug and nothing physical. Is he wouldn't tell me who he was and kept him from me. I snooped on fb and discovered who it was based on a concert she suddenly was going to that he was posting about. I called her on it and her response was "so u figured it out I thought u were spying on me". She told me they were just friends. I told her if she has to hide him from me I can't accept that and if she went to the concert I would assume she was choosing his relationship over mine and didn't want to be married to me anymore. She didn't say anything and he concert was the next night. I caught her before she was driving off and asked if this meant she wants a divorce. She responded "if that's what u want". She the. Continued to say they are just friends. I told her I don't know how I can trust that and I would only be thinking about the two of them. She stayed with a friend that night that she works with as it was a weekday. I learned then that rules without a relationship equal rebellion and no matter what I said she would rebel. She called her sister after our exchange in the driveway and told her I wanted a divorce and she didn't know why because he was just a friend and felt I was controlling her. Her sister has been confiding in me and helping me because she knows something's off with my wife. When she came home the next day I told her how if I want her to trust me I need to trust her. Someone has to go first. I don't want s divorce and if she says he's just a friend I trust that and trust that she won't put herself in a position to have an affair. She said if she ever felt that way about someone she would tell me. Since then I have to trust her or it's like I'm not doing what I said.

[Drew]

She said if she ever felt that way about someone she would tell me.

No she wouldn't. You'd be the last person she would tell.

[Wonka]

Rip,

Thank you for filling in on some details as they're helpful in understanding your situation a bit better.

Here's some action steps you need to take:

1) Stop all pursuing/pressuring
2) GAL...get out of the house and be mysterious
3) Keep your eyes open and gather intel to verify if there's an A

If and when you do get confirmation of an A, COME here first for advice and guidance before doing anything. We can offer suggestions and ideas on how to handle this aspect. For now, don't say anything.

You asked some questions:

Plus if I just focus on all those techniques of going dark she won't be able to cake eat because I'll be distant, right?


Distance doesn't necessarily stop an affair or cake-eating. It is a combination of approaches and being consistent with them that turns around a shaky marriage.

First order of business for you is to take a long and HARD look at your faults, patterns, and contributions to the marriage's break down. What were W's main complaints about you?

Are you a verbal guy? Are you a reserved guy? What are your primary Love Languages? What about your W's LL?

And most affairs end on their own after 6 months so there's still hope

Most affairs average between 6 months to 2 years. We need to tell you straight up that this will be a hard and long slog in DBing. Affairs just don't fizzle out overnight. It is a long, drawn-out break-up process. Be prepared to DB for a lot longer than 6 months. I have never seen an A end under 8 months as long as I've been here. Most are usually 1 to 2 year mark.

Also why would she be asking my opinion on if I think she's fat or how she looks. Why would she care about my opinion if she's with that dude? Wouldn't his opinion mean more than anything?

She doesn't really care about your opinion. She just wants a confirmation that you're still there and keeping you as a plan B. They've already emotionally checked out of the M and see you as a "friend" so they talk to you like one...not like a husband.

Have you read the whole DR book?

[Wonka]

She mentioned in January she had gone to dinner with another guy on a date but gave him a hug and nothing physical. Is he wouldn't tell me who he was and kept him from me.

This is how affairs begin....under the veil of secrecy and lies. Oh and that one comment about "on a date" while she's married??!! Wake up!

[Ripken8]

I laid out my roles in the first post. My patterns and how she feels and felt I have emotionally and physically raped her because she gave in and need let me know. Much longer discription in that first post.