New to this. Need support. Separated.

[PureHrt]

My marital history has been outlined in a couple of my posts but in a nutshell:

Started dating neither walking Christians. Young. Like to go out and party. H not looking for commitment. We fell in love though and H decided he wanted to commit to me. Moved in together year and a half later. I have always been the caregiver, organizer and fixer. He has brought spontaneity and humour and lots of support.

Fun, loving relationship but H had never really held a job and had a lot of abandonment issues from his childhood (his Dad left family when he was young had affairs and out of wedlock child). FIL has emotional/mental disorders and while a fun and loving man not reliable. H was constantly let down. MIL got remarried while we were dating to a wonderful man. Both long time Christians.

Became Christians a year later. Our lives and relationship blossomed. H was relaxed and secure in himself. Job front was always seasonal and cause financial stress. I took jobs for the stability and finances. H did find that hard. Not being able to have full-time reliable employment and me making more money. I always saw it as us working together. 1997 We got married. H had been working steadily. He was truly on-fire for God and we had a closeness with each other that was amazing. Our wedding was a true celebration. Financially still struggling.

Our challenges remained financial, my self-esteem (if my weight fluctuated and just in myself that have always been there), my Hs confidence in himself to provide. H was a tender, humble loving man. In my younger years I struggled with my temper - huts, self-esteem drove this. In my 20s and with God's help it was almost a non-issue. I doted on him at any chance I could probably too much but I enjoyed doing it.

1999ish FIL gets into serious legal trouble. A lot of stress and my H felt humiliated but we drew closer together and weathered the storm.

2001/2 my H indicated he wanted us to have a child. We were more stable financially and he had been steadily employed for a couple of years. I prayed and evaluated for months and agreed. Within a year we were pregnant, bought our first home and our child was born. Child was a difficult baby (colic) and H and I struggled. He was supportive, loving and hands-on. I struggled to go back to work even though that was always the plan. H wanted to be able to say stay home and felt guilty no matter how much I said that it had been OUR decision and we always planned for me to go back.

Honesty time - I wanted to stay home. I didn't want the stress of being the main provider any more. I didn't feel I could say or it would hurt H. I did struggle after having our child as did H. A month before I was to go back and very suddenly H's hours were cut to 3 days a week. Financial blow but meant less daycare and more bonding. I went back and struggled to do it all. Didn’t want the stress job. We could afford a housekeeper for a bit but not long. My job required a lot of travel all of a sudden. H was alone a lot and I believe, feeling a bit emasculated because he couldn't provide the way he wanted to.

My self-esteem had dropped, our church attendance began to drop. I felt pressure and resentment. We were no longer in a couples bible study for the very first time. When my H found different work he was thrilled didn't want to stay at home for the 2 days a week he was not cut out for that. I began to find I as more angry and he was passive aggressively angry. He wanted loving attentive wife that did all the little things and kept the house immaculate. I couldn’t keep up.

We tried to reconnect. We had said we would have a 2nd baby I went for a physical and had some cervical cancer issues (took 2 years to resolve_ and then H was adamant NO way to 2nd. I didn't know how H was feeling or why only symptoms. I found out years later (2013) that this was when he turned to pornography and an online relationship with someone he worked with which eventually turned physical 2007ish. The online stuff just got worse. H was withdrawing from everyone and thing. No longer as tender, no longer fun, not wanting to go to church or spend time with our families. I thought depression. His Dad disappeared during this time and I was still travelling. I didn’t know he had struggled with pornography in his youth until he told me years later. I just kept trying to love him through it and took on more and more myself - not stating my boundaries or exhaustion.

2007 Our 10 year I schedule a surprise anniversary away. He was ok but not ecstatic. He shows affection with cards and gifts and had neither for a milestone anniversary. He warmed up on the trip and we really enjoyed ourselves. Around this time FIL off the rails and H is very concerned. By 2008 FIL has disappeared out of country and we get sporadic communication. Big impact to H.

2009 He didn't seem himself for a month or so. I asked what was wrong - forced it. Got the ILYBNILWY. Tears - not you it's me. H swore there was no one else that I never had to worry about that. I convinced not to leave but to talk to pastor. I did everything I could to show love. Less travel, home cooked meals, cleaning, physical intimacy as much as I could. After about 6 months H said he wasn't going anywhere he loved me. We tried to keep momentum going but day to day life and H would never communicate just got 'fine'. It was good for about 2 years (I thought). During this time my family had health issues and dementia where I was called upon to caregive (outside the home but lots of time and stress). I also took on a second job at work to help financially. Hs 'withdrawal/depression' was really bad by fall of 2012. NO longer interested in extended family gatherings, critical, negative not wanting to do stuff for our family re: outings with our child. I found myself not dealing with stress as well and having more temper tantrums (when I looked back). During this time H wanted to explore getting hair implants, started tanning and really focussing on appearance. I didn’t see this for what it was. I supported his efforts to ‘like’ himself hoping he just needed support.

Physical life suffered due to his online activities (I thought depression as I didn’t know about others). I instigated conversation and pushed. H moved out end of Jan 2013. Same things ILYBNILWY It's me not you. You are wonderful. We've been together so long I didn't get to experience things (NOTE: H had more 'experiences' by the time we started dating than most people do by 30. He had travelled the world, lived in another city, lived with another woman and had his share of physical encounters). We kept up the physical until I was sent links to his online activities and everything blew wide open. The porn, the sexting, the webcaming, and eventually the affair. All for years. The timeline made full sense. I confronted. He was devastated. Wanted help. Said he had tried to stop but couldn't. Wanted help. Had set appnt with Pastor (I knew he had but not for what) but pastor got ill and cancelled (Pastor then died). H devastated lost his father figure. H mad at God. So sorry. Can't fix it. Too far gone. I reconnected with my faith and held on.

I should have stuck to guns and not gone any further until he got help but we connected. I wanted to help. I went his route which eventually lead to me considering changing our physical life. I walked away from my faith as I couldn't reconcile the 2. Note: I have not physically been with anyone but my H. I enjoy our physical life immensely and when between us am very open. Loyalty, faithfulness and marriage between two however were key to me and had always been for H BUT I wanted to keep hubby so agreed to consider. He swore he loved me and only me and this would make him love me more. He moved home fall of 2013. I never crossed a line I couldn't recover from but ultimately we never addressed the real issues. I couldn't go where he wanted. I began to get depressed and angry. It felt like his affection came only when I did things "he" wanted. He got sick again and the depression started anew.

2015 I forced conversation and got all the same plus the fact that the need for physical adventures with me with others too is "who he is". I believe he has given in to what he feels he can't fight.

During all three of these Bombs I sought IC. Hubby never has. He came for 2-3 sessions in 2013 to discuss the physical.

Good times were always Christmas (VERY special), times going to music concerts, watching movies together, going to church, being baptized together, going to home group together and our physical life with the exception of right after the birth of our child AND before first separation was always amazing. We always communicated with that to draw near. He teases and I would flirt. He really can be a wonderful partner. I miss him.

H does like to have and spend money. Whenever I could see our budget as tight or impossible I worried that wld impact H and I would quietly panic and spend nothing on myself - give up gym etc.

My fix self goals currently revolve around self-esteem and anger and finding things that are just for me. I know these are needed but actually finding tangibles within these topics is my challenge and I feel overwhelmed.