It's the start of Divorce week- barring any last minute complications, my divorce will be final sometime this week (I'm supposed to check the online system on Friday).
Truthfully- it feels kind of anti climatic. I have several well meaning friends who think I should have some sort of celebration - but honestly - I can't look at my daughters and think that this is a festive occasion.
That being said - I have a lot of hope for the future. This time in my life, with my children at home, is very precious to me - and I'm not going to let this circumstance poison it. I'm wounded and hurt, but I don't think I've crossed a line to bitter and I hope to keep it that way. He's been unusually silent for awhile. Not sure if I inadvertently offended him or if he didn't do his taxes until last week and is sulking now. Who knows. I realized that while I was briefly excited at his stated intent to find a new job which might have entailed a move closer to us and away from OW- once the dust settled - I was equally disappointed to think he might be more nearby. In a way its nice that he's so far away- although its not good for the girls. In full honesty, most of my angst right now circles around the idea of being stuck with OW in my life forever.....having her at all the girls important life events etc.
Life without STBX chugs along. There are some practical issues around the house that would be easier if he were around but we are mostly ok. I've had to become a list maker for the first time in my life to make sure everything gets covered. Added a bunch of items this morning to make sure we are ready for fire season.
I think most of us who are a LBS go through the melancholy exercise of thinking about the past and looking for clues that we missed. I keep thinking of something that happened fairly early on, certainly when we were still in the limerance phase. STBX said "You think it might be time for a new computer?" and I replied "You think so? That one isn't 2 years old yet." End of conversation. A while later he started bringing hope his "work laptop". However, when he switched jobs 6 months later the computer came home permanently and he admitted that he had secretly purchased it because he wanted a computer that he could move around to monitor his fantasy teams during football season. I asked him why he thought he had to hide it and he said it was because I told him he couldn't have one. We laughed about it a little (I sure didn't care - it was a bit of an financial indulgence - but not a major one) and I teased him for a while about his "super secret" laptop. It was such a little thing at the time, but I keep thinking about it.
I don't know if I will ever let anyone into my life again. But if I do, I want an equal. I don't mean that in a snooty class or education way. I just want someone who would actually continue the conversation and explain why he wanted the dang laptop in the first place instead of treating my generic comment like a 'no".
