Lost & confused

[Clairee]

This is really hard and I don't know where to start. So please forgive me if I'm all over the place.

I've been M 17y, T 18y. I am 43 & H is 40. We has 3 kids s17, d13, d12. Our M hasn't been perfect & I've made plenty of mistakes & spent many of those years ignoring my M & H's feelings, wants & desires. I've been working on being better & I'll get to that. Skip ahead. My H is in the military. 2 years ago he had a stroke & while it didn't cause any lasting physical effects, it did cause him to have to change jobs. In Nov he left for California to go to schools for his new job. We live in Hawaii. We have good friends in CA, so he was hanging out with them. He met OW through a mutual friend & began texting. H didn't tell me anything about it. I found it when I opened the cell bill & found hours of texting every day. I asked him who that was, he told me. I asked for details about who she was..M, S, D, kids, etc. She was single but in a relationship. I said I was uncomfortable with the quantity of conversation. That I didn't feel a single woman would spend hours on a man who she knew was unavailable to her & there was something deeper on her part even if not on his. He assured me it was just friendly chit-chat. The weekend after Thanksgiving I flew to CA to spend a few days with him. He wanted me to meet her so I could see for myself it was just friends. We met up with a group of friends & she was there. She was very cold & acted strange. She wouldn't talk when I was around, but when I walked away she was just the life of the party until I reappeared. She spent the evening giving me dirty looks. H was very attentive, almost overly so. When we left, H apologized. He said he saw how she acted & was surprised but that I must have been on to something. H never spoke to her again. H came home in Dec for Christmas. Things were good. Things were normal. While he was home, we got word that a friend had died. We were both shaken by this. I flew back with him to CA to attend the memorial in Los Angeles. I stayed about a week. We were very connected especially with our shared loss. When I left H was very expressive of his love & how much he wished I could stay, this was the 1st week of Jan. Fast forward to the end of Feb. H & I are members of an MC & they had their state convention. The Friday before the convention started a fellow brother had his retirement ceremony at the same place. H attended. Friday night, I get an alert that a purchase has been paid from our bank. I have it set to alert me of any charges over $50. I logged in to find a hotel charge. Now keep in mind, I've not spoken to him much at all. He's been busy. The retirement & then opening night of the convention. I am not one to call all the time while he's out. He usually calls every couple of hours just to say he's ok & he loves me. Not this night. I called his cell. No answer. I called at least a dozen times. No answer. I called the hotel & they transferred me. Still no answer. About 20 minutes later, he calls. Said he woke up to go to the bathroom & saw the missed calls. I was furious. We had not discussed getting a hotel room. We have a standing rule, we each can spend up to $100 a pay period without talking to the other but anything over that we have to talk about & agree. He said he got too drunk at the conventions opening night events & couldn't drive back to his barracks room. He said he didn't want to sleep on a floor somewhere so he got a room. He apologized for not talking to me first. Said he had every intention of calling as soon as he got to the room but passed out. The next morning he apologizes more. Sunday the last day of the convention he is still apologizing. Sunday night I looked at the phone bill. Why I don't know. But I did. I saw a strange number from New Mexico. I asked him. He said it was the brother who retireds sister. He had met her at the retirement & she worked for a hot air balloon company & he thought that was interesting. They exchanged phone numbers. I warned to remember the last time. He swore it wouldn't go there at all. Now I'm watching the bill...daily. I'm seeing the texts. Well, not the actual texts but the number of them. She is texting him every single day! All through the day & night. He says it's nothing just asking questions about our MC, chit chat. I said its excessive & needs to be backed off. I don't like it. He blames our separation on why I'm feeling this way. Says I'm letting my insecurities take over. Fast forward slightly to middle of Mar. I fly out for spring break. We argue about this OW. He agrees to back it down. Things go good the rest of the trip. A few days after I leave, he has a guys night out with some of the guys he goes to school with for pizza & beers. He doesn't talk to me much that evening. But that's how it is when he's out with friends & I understand. I'm not clingy. But again my gut is in knots. I check the phone & he spent the entire 3 hours texting with her while with his friends. I am livid now. I yelled, I cursed, I cried. He apologized. He swore to cut off all contact immediately with her & her brother. With anyone he knew associated with her. The next morning I logged into his email, haven't looked at his email account in YEARS! Not even when his phone was in my purse. I found in the spam folder this online texting website. It was a thanks for registering email. I asked him about it. He said a buddy had told him about it & he installed the app but didn't like it. I called BS to that. Well not to him but in my head. So while he was in class, I reset the password & logged in. Nothing. It was empty. Not a single contact, nothing. I was staring at the screen kicking myself for being so suspicious when message from her pops up. In a moment of uncontrolled anger, I replied 'stop messaging my husband' I wanted to say more, but I held my tongue & temper at least with her. I proceeded to unleash the wrath of hell on H through text then phone. I said that was it. I was done. I even called an attorney. We spent the next several days talking. Really talking about the issues. I decided I needed counseling because I didn't know how to forgive him. I made an appointment with a marriage friendly counselor the next week. I was very clear with her, I didn't want to divorce I wanted to learn how to forgive him. Things are great at this point. I'm 3 weeks into therapy & really letting go of things. I feel closer to H despite the zip code differences. We are talking for hours everyday. Using FaceTime so we can see each other. We're planning for him to come home & buying our 1st house next year. H comments all the time about how different I am & how much he loves me. H is posting memes on FB to me every day. Every morning I wake up to a good morning text & quick phone call before he goes to call. And he stays up late so he is the last person I hear before bed. I mean things are great! I have never felt more love for him than I do now. Now that brings us to the now...

Thursday I got a phone call from a very good mutual friend. Part of our MC & a couple we hang out with when I'm there. As close to a sister as I have. She is crying when I answer the phone. She proceeds to tell me H is up to no good. He spent the entire weekend at the convention with the OW. She doesn't have details of everything just what her man told her my H had told him. This past weekend he spent the evening hanging out at their house. While there, in my friends words, he was bragging about hooking up with this OW & showed pictures. He had pictures she had sent him of herself in lingerie & some nude. My friends man was shocked & disgusted. They didn't know what to do but decided since he didn't show them any remorse or regret, he had to still be doing it & I needed to know.

I confronted H. He denied. Threw them & 1 other person who knew under the bus that they were lying. So while H was on my cell, I used our house phone to call the other person that knew. With H able to hear every word, I asked. He confirmed everything I had been told. That's when H confessed...sorta. He didn't give me the full truth in one shot. It dragged out over Thur & Fri. The reason he hadn't talked to me at the convention wasn't just because he was busy with MC stuff but because he was with her. He met her at 4, by 5 he said he decided to hook up with her. He took his wedding ring off & put it in his pocket. He said they hung out at the convention & then got the room because he was too drunk to drive. I asked if he asked her to go to the room with him & he said no she just followed & he didn't stop her. He said they got in the room & he kissed her. But they didn't have sex. He said not having condoms was his safety net to not do it. He said when the time came he couldn't & that gave him an out. But she spent the night. He says they both stayed fully dressed. He said he was lonely. He missed physical contact that phone calls & FaceTime wasn't enough because he couldn't put his arms around me. He says he was trying to fill a void & it didn't work because it wasn't me. Then he admitted he thought he could have a right now thing & keep his forever with me. That no one would tell me & I wouldn't know. He said he didn't think it all the way through that he was only thinking about being lonely. He didn't think he could lose everything he said that never even occurred to him. How could that not occur to him?! He said he felt so guilty about it & that he wasn't bragging but just had to tell somebody. I didn't & still don't believe that. I told him if he was so guilt ridden, he wouldn't have kept contact & he damn sure wouldn't have kept a photo scrapbook.

So now it's Saturday. He is begging for another chance. I had a counseling session yesterday & I don't think I've stopped crying for more than 10 minutes at a time. He sends me texts. One in particular he says he has always said he was who he was, like him or not it doesn't matter, he likes who he is. But that he was wrong because he hates who he is & how he's hurt me. He says he'll do anything for me to stay. The only thing I promised was I wouldn't file for divorce right now. He asked me if I could give him a chance. I told him I didn't know. That right now I feel sick. I visited him just weeks after this & he acted like nothing was going on or had happened. We made love daily. It was all BS. I told him knowing all of this makes me sick to my stomach. Knowing he touched her & then me makes me feel like I want to scrub my skin off. I am so disgusted. It doesn't matter that he says he they didn't have sex. I don't believe anything out of his mouth. Why go to all that trouble & not get the prize? He has called me today almost every hour & he always says I love you. I can't even say those words. H probably thinks it's punishment, but I just can't say them. My head says I love him, but I don't feel it in my heart. I feel empty & broken & humiliated. I feel nothing but pain.

So google searching for help, I came across this forum. So here I am. I don't know what to do next. I don't know if he's sincerely sorry. I don't know if he means he'll do anything. He has said he will find a counselor or talk to a chaplain. I don't want to make knee jerk decisions but I'm tired of his lies. I finally told him last night, please stop hurting me with your lies. Just please stop hurting me more.

I know he has plans to meet our friends this weekend & apologize for putting them in such a bad place of having to tell me & he said he plans to tell them he is going to do everything to make it right with me. I think I need him to do that because he humiliated me to them.

I am just lost. Guidance is greatly appreciated because while I haven't decided to stay, I haven't decided to leave either. I am stuck in this horrible place in my head & heart. I do love him. But I don't like him & I don't respect him.

Tweets

M:43
H:40
S17, D13, D12
Married 17 years, together 18 years