Lots has happened. So H came back from a trip on friday afternoon, pick up the boys from school and later did text me asking what time he could come to the house on saturday.
I answered asking him if he would stay over night and if so, I would make plans to leave and be back on sunday morning. H answer on saturday morning that he would stay until evening and sleep at his place. Then I tough, Oh well, my plans did not work.
I did text him back saying he could come at any time, he answer he would be at the house by 3:30pm. The boys were eating a nice and health brunch and then he arrived at 1:30pm. Ok. He sat and start eating too. OK.
I said Hi and continue cleaning my kitchen, he came from behind and hugged me and gave me a kiss on my cheek. Then I asked him if he could leave the truck with me since he will be out for three weeks and he said that he was thinking about this and was planning to arrange the shuttle to pick him up at the house on sunday morning.
Then I said how it would be if he said he wouldn't spend the night? He explained that he is Ok spending the night but he understood my text was saying for him not to stay. I then read the text to him and asked what was there not to understand?
He said that maybe he didn't read it well. Well, it seems to me that he did it so I wouldn't make plans in not going anywhere.
I was polite but cold, disconnected. I went outside and he came and asked if he could talk to me. He then start the same old, that he loves me and it's being very hard this whole divorce. I said that I am getting more real now, that things are finally getting to the truth of what is happening and that I am accepting that I need to move on with my life.
He said that I am an amazing person and that he is the luckiest man in the world for marring a wonderful person like me.
I then asked if he did his parenting class and he said no, he asked when it was due and I said that it is due to have the certificate of completion in the court by 4/20. He got all nervous and said that he will have a lot of problems with this and that he does not have me there to remind him of the important dates. Yes H, no more private secretary.
H kept talking about our R, how I did not love him for over 5 years and that I did not care if he was there or not. He said he felt bad because he saw me so unhappy and he couldn't make me happy anymore. That his life is still a mess because he feels he failed me, that he was never a good h for me. Blah,blah, blah.
I told him I was very sorry he was feeling that way and that I was unhappy some times. I had many other problems that were not related to him too. Then I said that It is what it is and that I am ready to look forward and do the best what I can with what I have now. That I will give myself a chance to be happy again, meet other people, date someone, look for my life somewhere else. I told him I will be OK.
He said that he feels I am unhappy and I said that he feels this way because I don't need to show anything to him, that I need to be polite because he is the father of my children, but I do not need to chat with him like we are best buddies, neither I want. I want to have my life and does not need to include him in any of what I do or feel.
I was putting my shoes on and H came again talking about our R. Then I lost it and said that I really need to look at the truth and I do not want to keep playing this dirty games anymore. I said that I saw him with OW and that he is in a R with her and that he made his choices.
I said that love is a choice and he chose do not love me anymore. Said that I do not want the D, I do not want to destroy my family and my M but that does not change anything. He decided my fate and I will finally embrace it. I said that I would like that we had fought for our M but we did not. I said that I was there for the good or bad, health or sick, that I made that promise long time ago and that for all these years I have been an honest person even when it was hell.
That I have been beside him when things where not exactly good, hanging in there during the whole time he was rushing his masters, when people where sick, all the times that he was traveling and I was left by myself to take care after everything including raising three children.
That if everyone would give up every time there was tough situations, then the world would be finished by now. I said I am done, I had enough of this whole dirt world that he brings me and that I do not want him this way, that he can go ahead and have his life and that I am a person that has value and I will give myself the space to rebuild my life with the value I know.
That he did not find me in a trash and that I know who I am and does not need anyone to tell me anything anymore, I am a big girl that never took crap for a change.
He said that he is confused, that he is still trying to figure it out if our M can work, if he can give it another try. I said that this is his problem and his problem alone and I do not need, can or even want to resolve it. That he needs to deal with his own life and I will deal with my.
He came and put his knees on the floor and said that he does not know what to do next, that he is trying to resolve the whole mess he built to himself. And I said that I was sorry he needs to go through it but it is indeed not my problem anymore. That I had enough and I want to move on now.
I then left to a friend's house and he left for the supermarket to get stuff to make dinner. When I came back, H was preparing dinner and great me with a big smile, talking like we are all a happy family. I gave him the cold talk, not much interested in what he was doing. He then asked me to get some pasta and soda at the supermarket. I left again and took a long time out.
When I came back H asked me if I would have dinner with them and I said that I had other plans but thanked him for asking. They start dinner and I went upstairs to get ready.
When I came into the kitchen he looked at me and said that I was so beautiful. I thanked him and he asked me if I saw the rose he bought for me and was on the table. I said that I did not know the flower was for me and that I tough he just decorate the dinner table. He then said that he knows I like one rose alone and that he wants to give me flowers because he does not know when I will get flowers from someone else. I replay that, yes maybe sometime I will.
H did everything in his power to delay me, he even asked the kids to leave with my car to get some rental game. He served me some dinner, he came to hug me and I moved away from him, he sat to talk to me and say again and again what a beautiful woman I am, that age does not seem to affect me.
Then I was singing a song and he said that in his way from the airport to the parking lot he heard this christian song on the shuttle radio and that he wrote a text to me and then deleted the whole thing because I wouldn't care about his stupidity. I said that he could send the message, that I love this song and that it is my Divorce song. It makes me hopeful for my future and strong as a person.
I sang the song for him. He sat there looking at me and I was standing singing the song. He said he will never find anyone so beautiful and so caring in his lifetime.
So we had all this. I feel we still have a chance. But there are no promises. And as much as he tells me all this nice words, he is not showing with actions.
Or maybe he is, just not the right actions to make our R to work. He did everything to please me, he was extra nice and treated me like a princess. He did all he could to mess up my plans to leave on saturday.
But eventually I left, I went to a friend's house were he would not find me. I did not came back. H left for the airport on sunday morning and I was not back.
I got a message from his yesterday afternoon saying: Pink, I am sorry I was not able to clean everything before I left.I will make sure to have more time next time. I hope your night was OK. Tchau.
So, I did it, was strong, set the boundaries and respected them. Was polite but cold and distant. It was very hard, but I decide to act as if, did my 180s big time. I don't know if it will work or not, but it will help me to detach (hope so). H for sure is seeing a different Pink.
