WAH with one foot out the door and one in.

[V2pt0]

Hello All,

I am new to DB and have been following some of the other topics. I am currently reading DR and receiving DB coaching sessions. Hoping to get some advice and support from veterans as I am confused on how to proceed and becoming ever increasingly frustrated with my potentially WAH and I am starting to give up hope.

A brief overview of my situation….
We have been M for 12 1/2 years and together for 14. Our M took back seat to many other priorities, which has resulted in lack of intimacy and connection and we turned into two “I’s” instead of “we”. Other than the first couple of years it has not been the greatest. Neither of us took effort to try and resolve R issues since neither of us knew what to do to get the other to re-engage. We both dealt with things by avoiding and withdrawing,

Last year was the worst of it due to one of us unemployed and the other going through major challenges at work. H just started new job in January, so there is a great deal of stress on him. The R came to head 4 weeks ago after fight and hurtful things being said by me. Was my wake-up that I wanted to try and save marriage, but my H is saying he thinks it is too late and he is not sure we can make our M work. That being said, he is still here, on no timeline to decide, and is still engaged to a degree. He is greatly holding back due to fear and the unknown.

I of course like many others started by doing things we are not supposed to do – pleading, suggesting MC, being nice, etc. He has already been mourning the loss of M and does not have a lot of feelings one way or the other at this stage – so he says, but I can tell otherwise. H is leaning towards D, but says he needs space to work through emotions and feelings, as this is major cross roads for us and he wants to make sure he is making right decision. I also believe there is a bit of a MCL going on. I think he is stuck as far as life direct goes (outside of work), is extremely unhappy and lonely, and is also having regrets about not having children.

After listen to some pod casts which I highly recommend for staying positive, and reading DR, I started working on myself and finding my happiness again, LRT and GAL. At first it seemed to be working and he started to soften. When he started to re-engage, I let up too much and he has pulled back in a major way. Hard though because my H's main issues with me were that I was withdrawn, unaffectionate, sex. etc. so this feels opposite of what I should be doing. Since we are also still living in the house, which I know is a blessing, it makes detaching harder as well.

The new discovery from this past weekend is that there is/was OW. I confronted him about whether there was an affair after my intuition kicked in, too many things not jiving, and finding other evidence that led to that conclusion. The A that started last October when he was unemployed. Quite frankly some of his actions right now are becoming quite cruel, which I know has to be from hurt, anger and fear. I just can’t even believe that he would do these things. We have only had initial conversation and not sure how to proceed as far as dealing the A goes. After the discussion on Saturday, he said it was nice to finally have open and honest conversation about marriage, but then pulled back even more. This weekend I told him he was free to leave if that is what he wants, but he said he is still not sure and is not on timeline to decide.

Just needing some direction on how to proceed, so any advice and tips are appreciated.