Coming Home

[mleigh4]

All in you ---- by Iration

If you want to learn you got to try
You got to get it wrong to get it right
You're searching for the truth but finding lies
When all you got to do is look inside you

It's all in you
It's all in you
It's all in you
It's all in you

You want to be a star you got to shine
And use your own light when you need a guide
You keep getting lost following signs
When everything you need is right inside you

It's all in you

It was a very quiet week. In fact, after taking S out to eat last Saturday night to celebrate his testing score, I did not hear a peep from H until when I had to see him on Thursday night to drop off S. I don't think we have gone that long with no contact since H moved. I actually figure that's how it should be. He wanted his space, so I figure the less contact the better. As far as myself, I was curious about it, but had no problem with it. It was kind of nice.

Saturday was H's night to have S. I got a text about noon saying he was up all night with a sick stomach. He said he wasn't sure if it was something he ate or a bug, asked if we could see how he was feeling in later in relation to having S. I rolled my eyes, he is really the biggest baby, no joke, he is awful, but at the same time, if it was a bug, I don't want S getting sick. I actually was thrilled with having a bonus night with him, S was happy too. So I told H no worries, I had plans to go to a friend's for bbq but could take S, which I did. H said thanks.

This morning, H says he is feeling better, asked if he could have S over. I said of course, so he came and picked him up. I asked if he planned on having dinner with him. He said yes, so I let him know that was fine, but not late because it is bath night. At 7:30, no word from H. So I called him, he said they were out getting food on the way here. They got here about 8:15. I was annoyed. Only because H gets S tomorrow night so I was left with an hour before not seeing him until Tuesday night. So, I just let him know how I felt and why. He apologized, but added he felt that was plenty of time for a bath. As always, he just wasn't hearing my reason why. Then he went on to say that he knows it's not my fault that he missed out on his night with him last night, but he thought we were going to be flexible. Flexible to H means that I go by his schedule when he can't meet his parental responsibilities, which is ALL I ever do. I swear, if he says "flexible" one more time to me, I will scratch his eyeballs out. So I answered back that I have been very flexible. I added, actually, I have been downright awesome. He answered, got it.

Let's see, I did our taxes all by myself and am still waiting for him to pay his share. I dropped off and picked up S during spring break each of H's days, just to be nice. I have cooperated with him every single time he gets stuck in traffic or has something to do with work that delays him with S. Or when he gets sick. He takes dog whenever he wants, as he did tonight. And he is going to throw flexible at me!!??

Then I take a deep breath and remember what I am dealing with. No use trying to get him to see rationally. What was I thinking?

As usual, my emotions towards him continue to change around. I have noticed the last couple of weeks, I feel very distant. Very very detached from him. In fact, I am having a hard time looking him in the eyes lately, not sure what that is about. I just don't like who he is today. Just don't like that guy much at all.

I had a great weekend though. I got more home stuff done. I ordered a new canopy, got a bistro set and more flowers for the yard. I got a new buddha statue, one that symbolizes inner peace and calm. (Boy did I need that tonight) I also ordered a big wrought iron sun decoration to hang on the front of the house. I continue to be a busy happy little bee. Until I have to deal with H self centeredness. But I am able to brush it off quickly.