Hello to all my friends here on the forum, Today was one of the worst days yet in this nightmare that my life has become. I spoke with my D15 today about her cutting. When she and I spoke the first time about it, I was careful not to over-react. I was afraid that if I made too big a deal out of it, it could make her feel worse. I stayed calm, I let her know that I was there for her. I purposely didn't freak out or get angry. Well, it seems that wasn't the way I should have gone. When I spoke with her the first time, inside I was screaming "I love you, don't hurt yourself like this", what I said was that she needed to find ways to cope, to get help dealing with the pain she was feeling. Ways that didn't involve hurting herself. I stayed calm, even, tried to be the "rock".
Well, she said she felt I wasn't taking it seriously enough. That she felt I wasn't understanding just how hard it was for her. She told me that she started down the path to cutting when her mother started her MLC. (she didn't say it that way but the time she said it started for her was the same time her mother bombed me and started acting out). She said that at one point she felt like killing herself and the only reason she didn't was because she knew how much that would hurt me and she was afraid of what I would do if she had. I told her that I held back because I didn't want to make it worse, to make her feel even worse by seeing how hurt I was that she was in so much pain. I told her that we were family and family means I would always be there for her no matter what. She said that to her family doesn't mean that. Her mother is family and she was never there, she always felt judged by her. She also said she has been able to talk to her mother about her cutting and not me because she felt I was "sweeping it under the rug" because I didn't react with much emotion, while her mother cried and told her she loved her.
D15 also told me that she wants to spend her school weeks at her mothers and weekends with me as she feels like she has no "stability" going one week with her mom and one week with me. The thing is I agree with her that that is too hard. I didn't want that but it was the only way her mother would agree to arrange custody. There are only six more weeks of school left. I know that her living right accross the street from her school is a big reason for her wanting to be there and not 30 miles away with me. I also know that the fact that her mom leaves her alone and she doesn't have supervision is also a big reason. I don't know what to do. Do I allow her to have more say in her life or do I insist that she stay with me equal amounts as her mother. I don't know what to do.
She said that she knows she can count on me to be there for her whenever she needs me. That I put nothing ahead of her like her mother does with just about everything. That at the same time she was going thru this I was also going thru a really hard time in my own life. She knows that one of the biggest reasons I tried so hard to make my M work was so she wouldn't have to go thru what she has been the last year. I'm starting to see that while she won't admit it, part of the reason she cut herself was to get her mothers attention. She had my attention already. She knew and knows I care. It was her mother and her saying how D won't hurt her, that she'll be fine, in fact D15 will be better because she will see that her mother will be happy that kind of bull that made D15 feel unloved.
I want to shake my W and ask her how she can live with the fact that she stuffed so much pain down her own D's throat that she cut her flesh open trying to get it out. The scars are so very deep and they are all up her arm and she will have them for the rest of her life! How do you live with yourself, how do you not feel guilt from knowing your selfishness caused that? I know that right now my W is giving D15 more attention than she had but I already see it wearing off a bit. She is still so deep into her own selfishness that I know she won't keep it up. I have always understood that to be a good parent I would need to give up some of the things I wanted at least until the kids were old enough to take care of them self. That that just comes with being a parent. My W never did this. She has since the start of her MLC ignored what was best for them and only cared about what she wanted. This is what happens when you do that.
I'm angry at my W. I'm hurt that my D15 thought I was just sweeping things under the rug. I hate that there was nothing I could do to get my W to understand that D DOES hurt kids. That I couldn't find a way to save my M and save my d all this pain. Today my D went back to stay with her mom. We met at MIL's house. All my W wanted to talk about was can I bring this or that from the house and do I mind if she takes this or that. She is still acting like a spoiled child and not caring about the damage she is causing. I just don't know what to do. I can't seem to find the right way to deal with my D15. I also have so much other stuff that I'm trying to get right from my new job to the IRS to just affording to live.
I feel like I'm losing my D15. That no matter what I do it's the wrong thing. I am so worried that she is counting on her mother to do what she says she will do and I know from experience that W can't be counted on. I see D15 thinking that maybe her mom will now listen to her better and be there for her and I don't think that will happen and I fear what D15's reaction will be when W doesn't come through. And in all of it I can't do a damn thing except wait and pick up the pieces when the sh!t hits the fan.
I love my D so much and to see her go from such a together, loving child to the way she is now and know that she is as much a victim of her mom's MLC as I am is so hard. And I don't see any way to help her except to keep doing what I have done all her life...love her and be there for her whenever she needs except now she is away from me more than 1/2 the time and I can't be there half as much as used to. She really needs me more not less but my hands are tied and I don't know what to do. UGH! I hate feeling so helpless!
