. W then asks about private investigator again lol. I reply to W that I've never hired a PI.
My wife and I discussed this and guess that this likely has much more to do with OM than your wife. She's already rationalized and justified that she can date and do whatever she wants so the only person a PI would really matter to is OM. OM has probably successfully convinced his wife that you're a jealous nutso and explained away the "proof" you showed her but OM needs to make sure there isn't more proof out there.
If you don't have anything more....even a recording of a conversation with your wife (if you are in a one party consent state it's legal to secretly record any conversation you want) wherein she discusses "the nature of her relationship with OM" would help.
In most cases, convincing OM's wife wouldn't be an imperative. You gave her the info and put her on notice fulfilling your community moral obligation. If she doesn't believe you and allows herself to be deceived that's on her. Chances are even if she's fooled briefly, she IS aware and likely watching OM very closely. However, in this situation. They still work together and if OM's wife is convinced she may make her husband quit the hospital and take his medical degree to any other hospital in the world.
If given the chance and/or on your next contact with her try to offer her up any more proof that you have BEFORE she even questions the proof you've already provided her.
Oh, and next time you are asked about a PI instead of saying "No". Just say something like, "when you are prepared to be a hundred percent honest with me, I'll be a hundred percent honest with you". You are playing poker with a liar and a cheat. She can repent and become a good person again. There is hope for her yet, but while she's like this you should be holding all your cards close to your chest. Other alternate answers:
1. "I wish would we could both be 100% honest with each other but I can't trust you right now"
2. "you are asking me questions I can't answer right now"
3. "have you hired a PI to watch OM? maybe he has other girlfriends or maybe they've been following him".
4. "All I'll say is I haven't PAID anyone to track OM"
5. "Why would I hire a PI, I've got lots of friends in this town, anonymous tipsters and friends of friends even in that hospital"
Leave her (and OM) guessing and in a panic. It's really hard to carry on an affair when you are constantly paranoid about who might be watching or following you.
Finally. Your informal custody arrangement should be a set schedule. If it's 3 days a week, then make it a set days and nights every week. I know that seems hard but make it happen. I like suggesting a betrayed husband try to set a schedule of 2, 3, 3, 2, 3, 3, 2 or 3, 3, 3, 3, 3. That way the days you get the kids changes every week and you each get some weekends free and other weekends with the children. Also, your work schedule is probably fixed hours whereas her hospital hours fluctuate which means you'll get opportunities to parent the children on nights she works and has custody too while ALWAYS being there for your kids on your days/nights. Her parents should be second in line behind you to cover hours, days and nights that your wife is unavailable (a "first right of refusal"). I know this might sound overwhelming but it sounds like right now your wife could claim she has full custody of the kids 100% and she gratuitously lets you visit them from time to time or even for a night here and there. Your current informal agreement could become the permanent custody agreement if you don't assert yourself a bit here.
I even wonder if you shouldn't consider going a little further with the collaborative divorce using one attorney just to the point of agreeing to a formal temporary custody agreement pending the final divorce decree BEFORE blowing up the divorce process and getting your attorney. She's in a hurry and her priority is getting it done quick. She might give in and be somewhat "fair" to reward you but if you blow the divorce process up and delay her she has already threatened to punish you. But please don't rely on me for legal advice. Talk to a lawyer in your state. Nothing stopping you from secretly meeting with an attorney to discuss this whole process and whether you should go along with this collaborative process for a bit. I'm still really worried you are being set up to be an every other weekend dad and with your wayward wife as the primary custodial parent. You may think that'll be fine because she's always been the better more involved parent (while you were off bread winning) but divorced unrepentant spouses make horrible parents and you'll be paying maximum child support to a woman who will be neglecting your children in favor of a selfish lifestyle and a revolving door of sketchy men entering her home. Your children need you to step up and protect them in case this whole recovery effort goes south. You need to be ready and able to be a 50-50 parent.
Is it safe for Defacto to tell us what state he resides in on this open forum??????
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
