OK, so I've had a couple days of processing and contemplation. I find that I have these great bursts of growth... then need some peace and alone time to regroup or something. Yet, I know I can't stay too still for too long... then I will start to backslide. I'm still in a good place, however, my mind has been trying to mess with me a little today.
But I think that I am in a better place. Stronger. More put together. It's like I am waking up to what has happened the past 18 months. My failures, decisions, the chaos around me. I know I need to make more changes. And I know I've allowed myself to become weak in areas I wasn't before. So.... I have some cleaning up to do. I know we are all put in survival mode with bomb and behaviors of mlc, but I swear, I have felt some of the things as described as stages of mlc. Do I think I went through it? No. Nothing like they do. But, I think I was dragged through some. Some from my own inability to totally let go... and some because of the insanely intertwined connection. Sympathy pains may have had a tad to do with it? And, dealing with my own issues, of course, was a proponent. But, whatever the reason... it's neither here nor there. The point is, I'm now on the clean-up committee of my own life. Some will be much easier than others.
I withdrew from people the past year and a half. I know that. Good people. Family. Friends. And yet, I also met new people.
Let me get right back to that in a second.
I have been numb. Numb to things that seemed momentarily unimportant. My plate was full. I had no room for things outside of my immediate survival. I let things roll off like I was a steep bowling alley. Things just didn't matter. And I was utterly aware of this.
Now, when it came to people/friends in my life. I couldn't face people. First, I didn't want people feeling sorry for me. I didn't want a pity invite. I was depressed... a gamut of things.
However, with that, there are some new people in my life. And now, something about some of them just don't seem right. It sounds terrible, I know. But, I think that broken people attract other broken people. And the thing is, that when I was around them, they would say and do things that felt off or wrong to me, bothered ME, the core me, but... I let it roll. In fact, I even thought that it was one of the things I need to work on. Xh used to write people off. With that, we didn't keep "couple" friends often bc of that. So, I just thought that I need to accept people for who they are and that's that. However, I also think my personal standards and boundaries were skewed... or temporarily non-existent.
People know where I stand. I'm that kind of person. But, for 18 months, not only did I NOT KNOW where I stood, I think I was incapable of standing for myself! So, how could I take a stand on anything?
Bam.
Here I am... I've found my footing. And I'm looking at my surroundings. There are things I just don't dig. The good people in my life are still there, and I don't totally see invites as a pity invite anymore. Yet, there are others. I'm kind of creeping myself out! I had red flags. But, I just... I don't know... I was just in a whirlwind of chaos... and... ugh... I can't stand it! What was I thinking??!!!
I'm going to do another post, bc this was more like my own awakening of sorts. And the next is going to be about dealing with a minor causatum.
