Sorry that was the feedback that you got. That's similar to telling someone to just "get over it". Or telling someone with depression to just "snap out of it".
The problem is that your emotions are part of you. If you decide in your head "I won't feel upset anymore because there's no reason to", all you are really doing is disconnecting with your feelings and suppressing them. They will still influence your life, even if they do so in a way that is to prove they don't have control over you.
Like my therapist- he once told me my life was controlled by fear. I challenged him because I face fear all the time. I take on roles at my job that push me well out of my comfort zone, I play pool for high stakes in front of lots of spectators betting on the match and it freaks me out, etc. I feel like every day I seek out and overcome my fears. My IC replied "Like I said, you are controlled by fear. I didn't say you were running from it. But because of your fear your life evolves around daily battles against scary situations to try to 'overcome' your fears".
Point is if you suppress emotions, even when you feel like they aren't controlling you they play a big role. You MUST take time to sit with them, understand them, and then GROW- which is nothing more than learning where they come from and starting to see things differently so the feelings retract gradually. Negative feelings are signs from the universe we need to learn something. Woe to those that try to ignore those lessons.
I agree with detachment as being a major goal for DBing...I just think there's a difference between going through the process, learning those lessons, growing, truly changing your point of view, and achieving a point where your emotions no longer flare up because they no longer have things to tell you...vs. suppressing, compensating, medicating, avoiding, distracting, and lots of other things people do to try to convince themselves they are detached.
Slow and steady is the way of this journey, there are no short cuts. When you can accept that head on you'll be on your way to peace.
Me:38 XW:38 T:11 years M:8 years Kids: S14, D11, D7 BD/Move out day: 6/17/14, D final Dec 15
