WAS asked for divorce today.

[aNewGuy]

Thank you each for all of all of the insight you have provided!

I am still quite new at all of this and it is overwhelming to try and respond adequately, especially with work not quite two hours from now and me wanting to respond fresh off of having read your responses.

First off, I politely declined the invitation from my coworker to go to a concert last night, and no bridges were burned. She made it clear that she wanted a date and that made me especially sure that I wanted to keep about my own business! I agree that I am in no way ready to spend any one on one time with any member of the opposite sex!

I have a lot, no, a TON to think about here.

W texted me the other day (before I posted all of my most recent postings) and asked me if I was dating. I said no. I asked her if she was and she said yes. I asked her who was the lucky guy and she declined to share. She proceeded to say I should be dating. I responded that I will do so when I am ready and the time is right.

About FB, I agree that I may be coming from a "punitive" motive and from the hopes that the loss of me as a friend on FB would somehow contribute to having her somehow snap out of all of this and come home. I am seeing that perhaps I need to really adjust my thinking about all of this, which is exactly why I'm here. Having a divorce thrust upon me after all of the GREAT times we did have seems like something that requires an answer or response on my part, but I also see where doing so could do more harm than good in my relationship with her.

I am angry about all of this. Sad and angry and somewhat bewildered. The saddest part is that she must have been hurting a whole lot to get to this point, and I think my "keeping score" contributed to that pain. It is a terrible feeling to feel responsible for pushing your wife away one day at a time. The part that makes me angry is that I failed to see this coming until the bomb was dropped. I really thought I could "fix" this and that we were just going through a tough phase and that we would find our path and things would get back to the good, productive, happier times we both enjoyed.

I'm also angry because she seems to be holding up the divorce proudly like a banner to me as if I were so terrible and she is finally free, while I am just extremely sad over the whole situation and wish I could find a way to right all that I did wrong.

Yes, I was judgmental and I was always trying to "fix" things that weren't broken. I can be a perfectionist, and when something came up where I felt my experience would benefit her I made it known. She often came back at me with phrases like "You are talking to me like you're my father".

I really wish the board rules here didn't prohibit an occasional cuss word because just thinking about what a tool I have been in all of this makes me want to cuss out loud!!

I can't imagine what it would have been like for her to live with a husband who acted in that manner toward his wife, good intentions or not. We had a lot of laughter and we shared a whole bunch of good times, but one night about three years into our marriage we got into an argument over something which we couldn't resolve at the time, and things have slowly but surely snowballed downhill from that point.

It makes me sad to think she likely feels that she is not what I need, is not right for me, that she is somehow doing me a favor because I feel I spent too much time tending the weeds in our garden instead of tending the roses. That's perhaps the hardest part in all of this is knowing that by FAILING TO FOCUS ON ALL THE BLESSING THAT WAS OCCURRING ALL AROUND US, and focusing instead on the unimportant minor frustrations like the doing of the dishes and similar stuff, I really choked out the good in our marriage and I believe that is my part in all of this, or at least the core of it.

I want now to focus on recognizing these destructive behaviors for what they are and replacing them with better, much more productive and user-friendly behaviors.

I have a long way to go, clearly.


Thank you each for your input, your insightful responses hit home with me and I feel like are the beginnings of answered prayers. I don't know how it is possible to go through life so blind to our own problems and yet see someone else's so clearly. My eyes need more opening.

I intend to put all of my energy into me, none of it going out toward her right now, and any energy going out will be toward GAL and becoming the best man I can be! And fir the next nine hours or so, toward me job!

Thank you all for your insights and please don't let up. I am still asking for prayer for my wife, myself and my marriage that we would learn what God is trying to teach us and become what He is trying to make us.