WAS asked for divorce today.

[25yearsmlc]

I keep wondering if I should un-friend her on Facebook. I know that sounds a bit trivial, but to many 26 year olds it is significant.

its both trivial AND significant and punitive. If your goal is a better relationship with her, unfriending her is NOT going to help.

Stop looking at FB if it bothers you. Don't give it so much power over your life. You're a grown man and no one is holding a gun to your head forcing you to follow her posts and "likes". I thought you noting the difference in her age group ("to a 26 year old, it's significant") makes you sound as if you want to hurt her.

Regardless of why, I have to ask, to what end?

Why "announce" anything by un-friending her.? Sorry, but I see it as the act of a small man. (No offense, but you are better than that).

Because much as I do love her, she is wayward and is divorcing me.


And therefore, what? You can dismiss her, label her and ignore the marital issues you once admitted, or just punish her b/c after all, she 'attacked" you with a divorce? Remember, she was NOT happy and neither were you.

Don't get amnesia now. You know, come to think of it, I guess the biggest problem I have with snooping or exposing an affair or behaving this way (dismissive) is that it seems to always take the LBS off course.

Instead of working on theselve for real, and digging deep, they suddenly point at the OP

(even when there might not be one OR even when it's the mere dream/fantasy of an affair, which I do NOT believe is the same thing as an actual PA and when pressed, most LBS's admit as much)

Instead of doing their own work. It gets them off course and that's what I fear is happening to you now.


That's not very friendly. But the other side of the coin here, I wish to keep her as my wife and have her back, and taking that step is sort of opposite that, right?

[color:#3333FF]
Yes it's the opposite. Ask yourself why you wanted to do that, and dig DEEP when you search. Note, the real journey in life is an inward one. That's the "upside" of these painful ordeals.

We grow, or we stagnate. If we choose the latter, chances are we'll also become bitter, not bEtter.

Anyhow, I must have missed something but did you get overt proof or evidence that your wife committed adultery? Because you are acting as if you have.

No, I do NOT believe that acting this way in the absence of proof or even half decent evidence helps YOU or the "cause." Why assume SHE is at fault and "wayward" when you admit the marriage had deeply rooted issues?

Because it's easier to point fingers and BLAME HER, than it is to keep at your own personal work.
I say this^^ from my own experience.

I could not wrap my brain around my h's choices and so I decided he was "wrong" (or at least "wronger") and I was right. But that wasn't enough.


I wanted that "Declared" in some form, but I wanted all this subconsciously b/c I knew in my HEAD how it sounded...but deep down I did not want to look at my role. While I conceded I had made mistakes, I kept my focus on HIS choices and HIS "wrongness" b/c it seemed to far exceed mine.

And that got me nowhere....for a year of my life.

Also, I sure as heck did not want to let go of the illusion I had that I could somehow control my h or "get him to see" anything...but I had to.

Back to YOUR marriage and wife...you said the intimacy in the marriage dropped off noticeably 1-2 years ago. That's a biggie. Any idea why? How was it before the drop off?

IMO, someone her age not being interested in sex with her h, is a red flag. No, I do NOT mean it always smacks of a OM!

But I think it's safe to say that if a 26 y/o woman is physically AND emotionally healthy, but she loses interest in sex with the man she married, there's a big problem INSIDE the marriage. Menopause can be challenging, but at her age, it's about the marriage...you need to dig deeper.

This issue has been percolating awhile. No way can you blame it all on an OM even if there is one.

You spotted & admitted to one root cause. (And that's really good!)

She didn't feel amorous when she felt criticized or judged, and you didn't feel loving or warm b/c you weren't having sex, (chicken or the egg)

and you felt you were doing more than she was around the house, correct? (Sorry if I'm over simplifying but is that the gist?)

One point I took from my DB coach that I'll pass onto you now is to

"Lose the scorecard" and any measuring you have been doing in your m. If you do dishes 5 nights a week and she does them twice, SO WHAT? You want less intimacy or more criticism inside your marriage, for some chores?

Do not count.

Here's the deal with scorecards IN marriages: 1) they never ever help a marriage and;

2) your spouse has her own, different scorecard. On HERS, you are way behind.

Also, your tone here^^ is coming across as judgmental. It's a bit of amnesia don't you think? I mean, it's as if you are saying she left a solid happy marriage for an OM - but from where I sit,

there's no proof of an OM (Starsky makes valid points about why one would want to snoop or assume an affair. I won't dispute he has a point;. I just happen to hold a very different opinion. I see zero value in assuming an affair, and I see problems with snooping.

Again, if an affair were an absolute deal breaker, then I'd hold a different opinion b/c you would want to know then. You'd base your whole course of action on whether there was an affair b/c you know you'd make different choices;.

But if you are willing to try and fix the problems INSIDE the marriage AND you think you could get past this (with mutual forgiveness on both sides) and thus, your path is the same regardless, then why the snooping/self inflicted pain AND judgement of her? How on earth does that HELP YOU?

How about you stick to your plans for self improvement and detachment and GAL and leave the issue of OM for a time IF/when you KNOW it's true?

Besides, the more judgmental you sound of her here, the less likely she'll believe you could ever get past this. (I wonder myself, based on how you've evolved in the few weeks here. I sense growing anger and a lot of deflection from what your role may have been. That gets you stuck fast.)

IF there were an affair, She may assume you'll throw it in her face every time you two fight (which I think must have happened in the past with all the resentment)

OR that you'll hold it over her head like the Sword of Damocles.

That is my .02 . Keep on Keeping on!!