Hey uR! Thanks. I get slightly apprehensive about the thought of those pangs. But, overall, I know I've turned a corner. Today I did yard work... Things we'd do together. And I'm ok! Don't miss him. He be gone anyway.
2b- my goodness- that's crazy anyone would look at me for strength! I feel like I've been a sopping mess. But thank you, that was a really nice post.
Shining! Oh yeah.... This groove is quite impressive... Or something. I had a blast last night and felt like myself. Me real me- pre xh, w xh, and now the me w/o him. My core personality. I will hold on to that with a death grip bc ourselves is the only person we can hold onto and not let go. Anyone else around should be there bc they want to. And if they don't, it's not worth tiring your hands over. No one will be happy.
I think my will or reserve is being tested today. The sincerity of my newest feelings. My strength and growth. I think meeting that girl was one. The fact that she knew her, knew what she did & told me things didn't get me upset at all. The other friend I came across- I couldn't even reLly look in her direction even though she can no longer stand HWW.
(More growth- the pregnant girl at work- who I haven't been able to look at- yesterday I asked her how she was feeling and exchanged a few words w her about it)
Today, I was sorting laundry in the basement. I had 3, very distinct, piles of clothes. I was taking them out of the hamper and putting them in the appropriate pile. I set a shirt in, turned to the hamper and grabbed another and turned back towards the piles. I am no kidding about this- there, in the middle of all the piles- out of nowhere was xh's sock. Just one- in the middle. It wasn't there a send before that- yet, there it sat. It was one he always wore. In the middle. There. Two feet from me. I just stared for a moment. Xh moved out a year and a half ago. He does not have socks here. It was an ankle sock. He does not wear them in the winter, so it wasn't from then. S18 would never wear it. He only wears nike elites. I mean. Hmmmm...
So then a little bit later, my friend walked over as I was outside doing yardwork. She is the one who works at the hospital and gave xh the info about paternity test that crazy week. Anyway, I have really spoken to her in person in months. She told me how weird it was being around them at the hospital and how different he is w her. Like she controls everything and he is scared if her. This is NOT the guy I know. At all. Military. Leader. Successful, in management. Never a pushover here or anywhere! But it doesn't surprise me. I knew it all along. But hearing it is weird. Like when my bil said it was like he was walking on eggshells around her. And that was the first week the were living in their new house!
Anyway, my point is, none of it really phased me. Like I'm being tested. And I just don't care.
I think it is sad that he gave up EVERYTHING for that life, but it's not one I have to live.
