Thank you @raliced for your reply and to everyone. It helps so much to have someone to talk to. At this point I have shared it with no one.
I am reading DR and I guess if I could have whatever I wanted it would be for my H to end this A and commit to working on the M. We never really have been on board together. He blames me for his porn/sex addiction. I could not match his sex drive and was a not as adventurous as he wanted me to be, but I was willing to have sex until he left me alone every night to the computer and he got pretty mean in the bedroom. Anyway for sure no open marriage and I realize this is probably a long shot.
Second best would be if we could at least get back our friendship. We were friends before being married and will now always have the bond of these kids. They need both parents as they are going through a lot right now. It's so difficult to understand why he is so angry and mean about everything.
And above all I just want to feel okay about me. I am 54, attractive with a good figure. I am not the horrible person he makes me out to be. I am extremely lonely and I know I will be okay but definitely scared of being on my own after 22 years of marriage. Don't even know where to start
