This Feels Like the Only Place I'm Understood...

[RealMe]

Cadet- It is quite creepy how many times I have used the links from your 'Welcome' message on other people's threads. I don't know who you are- but I can say from what I've seen that you're a very good person. It was never a doubt, but thank you for responding to me.

So I moved almost 3 months ago. After two weeks of very instinctual reactions on my part that were only driving her away I am ashamed to say that I came very close to ending my life. That night I purchased an online book. It really only helped in a few specific ways. However, I feel VERY fortunate to have found MWD's books the very next day at the bookstore. Reading her words were like she knew me and my situation personally. It felt like talking to a friend and her 'plan' is all-encompassing. I devoured both DB and DR w/o sleep that night. I felt tangibly, noticeably, better.

I had an explosion of positive energy, knowing I could 'tango' alone, and get us back onto the path. My very first 180 started in those first conversations that were about 'that night', and I think she must've looked at her phone to be sure she was on with the right person. I didn't remind her of her incredibly ugly behavior, I didn't blame, I didn't fight. I agreed with her extremely incorrect and in-denial recounting of how the night went. If anybody is curious, that's where the McDonald stuff helped - learning to agree with anything. Not from a standpoint of being a doormat, but from a place of security and strength. It saves your nerves and protects your pride and her's.

But everything else was DB'ing all the way- 180's and LRT's. I detached. Every time she saw or talked with me I put on an academy award winning performance- cool, relaxed, brief, light, happy, serene. Need me to get the rest of my stuff out? Sure, as soon as I'm out of this movie. Don't think it's a good idea that we talk this weekend? Fine, I've been wanting a weekend to go hiking. Set on divorce? I obviously prefer we work it out but I understand.

I also set about making some personal 180's. I stopped drinking entirely and started AA even though I drink 1/2 as much as her. I went to a new psychiatrist and physician and started a new depression plan- including supplements, a sleep schedule, and unconditional exercise and activity. I've lost over 25 lbs and have done more backpacking in national parks in 11 weekends than I had in the last 11 years. I started meeting with a different therapist who really helped me identify harmful patterns in my behavior in volatile moments, specifically my reactions when I'm 'hurt'. I've applied for more jobs than I can count and have had several good interviews.

Well after several weeks my efforts paid off. She admitted that she wants a divorce from what we are now, but doesn't want to give up on what we could be. She told me that she is feeling things for me like when we fell in love, and that she misses me. Hallelujah right?!

That brings me to where I am now. Ever since we agreed to take divorce off the table, progress has slowed to almost a halt. She asked how I wanted to proceed and of course I suggested goal setting- quietly using MWD's model of action oriented, non-complaining methodology.

We agreed to meet for a 'session' once a week. 1st session (wk6) She showed up with arms literally folded, telling me she doesn't believe I want it. Got mad after about 20 and stormed off. 2nd session (wk7) Slightly calmer- but had no intention of talking goals, just more about 'that night'. Abruptly ended session after 40 mins. 3rd session (wk8) Finally calm enough to set goals. Felt great! Said we'd start setting 'mini-goals' between sessions, but she then pulled a Houdini. 4th session (wk9), had her court appearance. I had spoken to the prosecutor several times on the phone assuring him I never wanted her to be arrested. Well, they declined to prosecute her with that and she avoided any assault charge and only faced a public intoxication thing that she can make go away with alcohol counseling. Think she was happy or grateful for my efforts? No. She unleashed a tirade of anger on me via text that I hadn't seen since day 1 of our separation. She said she had listened to my 911 call (which I think a poisonous friend of her's procured), and went back to rage and fight with no reciprocation from me. We didn't talk rest of week 10, spoke once in week 11...and here I am writing this.

We had this genuine breakthrough...and the contact and quality has just gone down the toilet since. I'm deflated. I'm defeated. My paranoia suspects maybe she's involved w somebody, even though she has calmly and sincerely said she isn't. My instincts want reassurance that she means what she says about wanting to be at the stage we are- but I know asking for that is pressuring her and pushing her further away. I fear that she really does want divorce but that this is some sort of game to 'smoke me out' until I capitulate and file it myself. I wanted so badly to be in 'piecing'- but we're there in word and not deed. We talk even less then we did when we were set on divorce and it 'hurts' worse than just hearing she wants to be done. I am at the point of giving her an ultimatum but shy away knowing that it took seven weeks to get her to say she doesn't want divorce. Internally, I am close to losing all of the precious 'gains' I fought for.

I know what I should do. I should be looking at everything I've done, looking at what has really worked and what hasn't. Back to LRT and 180's. More patience. Don't give up.

I'm just really tired of everybody telling me I'm a fool for even leaving the door open. That I've gone above and beyond. Like I said I mostly typed this for me. If anybody reads this who is struggling with feeling 'foolish' for hanging on the roller coaster please know you're not alone.

I love you all.