Hi 1976, I saw your message on another thread. Actually, I have been checking on your stitch, and see where you and W are separating. I hear your desperation, 1976. I know you must be scared, but sometimes a separation works for the good of the couple. I know you reached out to me......and it causes me to feel a special burden in my heart for you. I cannot give any specific step that will granatee a remedy for your situation, but I will be glad to give you advice from the viewpoint of a WW.
Whenever I read about a woman having more then one EA, it causes me to believe she is searching for emotional fulfillment, and maybe she thinks it will come from some man. Of course, there is always the possibility that there are deeper issues at play. Do you have information that might give you clues about past relationships, and if she bounced from one guy to another fairly frequently? (Sorry, I can't go back and check your posts ATM,)
Some women have what I think of as the "Prince Syndrome". (I just made that up). In other words, she believes the man is out there who can make her experience the ending of a fair tale. You know old fairy tales always ended with the words......"and they lived happily ever after". So, she goes from one frog to the other, kissing them and hoping to find her prince, who bring this everlasting happiness.
You said the two of you had been each other's best friend, right? I think being friends with our spouse is certainly an added bonus in M. However, what I have seen in threads over the past eight years, are M's where couples bond in friendship.......and then the W begins to want more. She has lost romantic feelings for her best friend husband and is desperate to have those "in love" feelings. The H usually fits the "Nice Guy" profile and what attracted her in the beginning seems to have disappeared and a more passive behavior took his place in the M.
Let me be as blunt as I know how. Women are not sexually attracted to passive men. They may make good friends, but not good lovers. If you became passive, she lost attraction for you. So, start now in setting yourself aright and do not display passive type behaviors or attitudes.
Another thing I see a lot in the threads here, are men who have become dependent on their R with their W to point of excluding other friendships and/or activities in life. This seems especially true when they were BFF's. Therefore, the MR is not near as healthy as they thought, and when she wants out......he is so desparate to keep her that he makes all the wrong moves.
It is critical that you lose the desperation. This M is already gone. She is gone. You can't lose what you don't have. You are wanting a miracle that will fix everything, but It has been my experience that people have to work hard to have a good M. If you will work hard to do what we advise, you can have a good M in the future, and perhaps with this woman.....who knows. But it's not going to happen right now. She has too much she has to learn from the school of Hard Knocks. Your job is to get out of the way of her education that life will teach her.
Most newcomer men want to do some action to feel that they are actually working to save the M. However, it is often challenging to get men to understand the real work that's needed. It seldom is the picture they had in mind. You have to calm yourself and stop feeling panicky over her leaving. You can't hear what others are saying, or what you read from the books b/c you are set on ultra high speed. Know what I mean?
So.......within this long post I have told you at least three big work projects. Did you see it? I'll give ya a recap. 1). End any passive type behavior. 2). Stop the desperation. 3). Get out of her way. Do you think you can handle it?
Oh, let me add another one (and I have more to come). Stop taking the blame for her affairs! She is responsible for her own actions.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
