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[Vanilla]

AHW

Ralliced called me on my thread as my H has multiple addictions, gambling, smoking, drinking and golf. He also chases OWs but there is no porn.

Porn addictions can be managed, a DBer here called Sherman has turned his addiction around so it can be achieved. From your description your H has an active addiction. In order to manage this, your H has to want to do so, this is not something that you can influence. This has to be the choice of your H.

It is a very addictive behavioural problem and very difficult to be affected by as there may be codependency. Not only will this addiction affect you but it can affect your family and there are specific 12 step groups to help you with this particular addiction. Addictions as well as the extra behaviours involved destroy Rs as they occupy the time and attention of the addict. This creates distraction and obsession. I applied the 20 key questions of addictions to the statements you made about your H and had 14 positive answers out of 20.

This addiction of your H has gone beyond porn to sex addiction, the Internet becomes a tool to make sexual connections. H is attempting to open your marriage to this and if this is not what you want then your voice must be "no" and "definitely not". The nexus of men and women in this addiction are very high risk.

In many ways I am relieved that H has not attempted to make love with you as this puts your health at very serious risk. You may wish to be tested, and although this is unpleasant some diseases can be dormant for several years. Be careful on this, one of my fellow 12 steppers found she had both clamydia and syphilis from her H cross addictions and yes I did go with her and stay when she got the results. She had not had sex with her H for over a year and yes her H thought he might be infected.

You can tell H you are doing this too.

This sex addiction is an extra dimension on top of As, more than Train and more than Vs H. The nearest poster with this in his life is Joe, his W is also an Internet sex worker and Joe has masterfully enforced his boundaries.

Truly this is going to require strength on your part and a will to put very strong boundaries in place. H is attempting to manoeuvre you to an open M and clearly from your words this is not your desire.

In a sex addiction then the OW will be just an object which H will eventually tire before adding another OW or two. In order to continue his behaviour H will 'depersonalise' his OWs, and an addict will try to do this with his primary R too. It is like comparing cars when you are buying, this one has leather upholstery, that one better body work, and another be fitted with a soft top!

You need not engage, you can also see OW as the 'type' who is colloquially referred to as easy, in fact OW may also be an addict. Your children need not be connected to this. You could ask H to leave entirely as a two day a week sex involvement is likely to burn out if made full time. Stay in your home and in your master bedroom. If you prefer not to go with H to his work event don't go, use the time to clear his stuff out. Clearly H is so deep in his addiction his head is absent anyway.

There are three strategies to be considered 1. Appease 2. Tough Love 3. Work on you to make you stronger.

I have tried all three separately and use the last two in equal measure.

If H gets angry and difficult protect yourself. This is edging on sexual abuse where you are being asked to do things which you find distasteful, but as yet this appears to be verbal persuasion.

My post here is strong on this as I would like you to be aware that there are extra issues to be considered. H is being up front on this with you so not hidden. Addicts can hide their addictions when they are ashamed, your H seems to have no inhibitions.

Would H think you would be amenable to an open R?

Keep posting, the amazing folks here will help you and provide support and the vets like Cadet, Starsky, Sandi, Wonka and MrBond.

V