W usually wakes up @ 04:30 to start getting ready for work, and I don't get up until 05:00 (used to be 06:00, but realized that I can do more around the house before work - "Early to bed, early to rise" mentality.
She didn't get up until 05:00 this morning, and seemed pretty grumpy. Maybe staying out until 00:15 on a work night isn't so smart, lol! Oh well, her choice. :-)
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Since we are still living together, and we have our son, we have continued to mention when we have plans or are going out. I mentioned today that I have an appointment this evening, and may go out afterwards. My "appointment" is an oil change for the car. I may really go out, too. Not sure what I will do, but I'll find something, movie, walk, read in the park, play chess at the coffee shop, it's all GAL to me!
Last edited by JAS84; 04/17/1505:21 PM.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Since we are still living together, and we have our son, we have continued to mention when we have plans or are going out. I mentioned today that I have an appointment this evening, and may go out afterwards. My "appointment" is an oil change for the car. I may really go out, too. Not sure what I will do, but I'll find something, movie, walk, read in the park, play chess at the coffee shop, it's all GAL to me!
Thanks Cadet. She does the same thing, and has for months, so why should I feel like I need to reveal the details of my plans?
It took me a couple weeks to get this part: After BD, I would ask her where she was going, and who she was going to be with, and she would respond by saying "out with friends". Every time I asked, she would come home later. Once she started coming home at NOON, I decided to say "Forget it!"
She used to tell me, no problem. But since her feelings toward me started to change, she started to close up. So now, I need to as well.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Sandi, I absolutely can hang with it! My only worry is that she will not be able to, and will file for D, perhaps immediately, perhaps later. I know I have to stop projecting those feelings, and I have been getting better... The hardest part has been being in the same house for the past 6 weeks after BD, and riding the rollercoaster in her presence.
Great! Then roll up your sleeves b/c you have a lot of work ahead.
I see a lot of men fall into the fear trap. They are so afraid of the W filing for D that it paralyzes them. Once you step off in that trap, it gets harder. You basically have to gnaw your out of it, which a painful way to go.
Do not be afraid of what she "may" do. You'll become a prisoner to that way of thinking. She may, in fact, D you. But what's to say the two of you won't get back together later? The girl put up with a lot of cr@p and now she figure's she is through with it and wants some happiness.
You will not be able to talk your way out of this situation, so don't even try to convince her things will change if she will give you another chance. It's going to take time to prove yourself. The final results of your changes will be what affects her feelings.
You should expect something else. When she sees you making all these positive changes in your life, it may really tick her off. No doubt, she won't believe your changes are real or that they will stick. That's why time has to prove it out. She's not going to hang on to see how it goes, b/c she's done with the whole thing.......so don't go getting all upset when you don't see her trying to work with you to save the M. I hope you'll take this as warning, you cannot measure your progress by how she responds....not as long as she has the heart of a WAW.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Ironically, Sandi, the fear trap is part of what got me into this mess in the first place. I was paralyzed by the fear of not knowing what to do, how to act, how to just BE ME, and it made me shut down and become reclusive.
When I laid the boundary of "not living in an open marriage", she began to yell at me, declaring that she wondered how long the charade would last. She really ripped into me, saying things like she was surprised that either of our families would even talk to me because I've never given them the time of day, that I was being controlling by taking the primary parking spot in our driveway, and that it was only a matter of time until I was alone in my life, with no family, no friends, and no support.
I smiled, calmly said that I parked in the driveway where I did because, in my eyes, she does not live there anymore, and that both of our families respect and care about both of us.
I agreed that I made many mistakes over the years, but that I did not force her into a decision to start an outside relationship. I walked away, she followed, and said that her decision to do so was indeed her own, but that she did not see it as a mistake, but as liberating.
I went to the garage to smoke a cigarette, and she again followed, and asked if we were getting lawyers now. I told her that as long as we could keep our emotions in check when speaking with each other about our arrangements, that I didn't see a need to, and she went out.
PS: She continues to park in the secondary spot in the driveway now, even when I am not home.
Last edited by JAS84; 04/17/1507:53 PM.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Journaling: Had a great evening out, ended up spending a few hours at the bar with the ILs listening to a great acoustic cover duo. Got a little teary when they played "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd.
Mood was dampened a little bit when I got home, just now... W and S are not here. As much as I want to trust W with the care of our S, I believe he has already met the OM. She may have taken him to her mom's so she could be with OM.
This is so frustrating. I believe I need to set a boundary regarding this, but unsure how to proceed.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Sandi2, Could you please read through my post and give something I could do to start over and try to save my marriage. My wife did have an affair on me. Where can I begin. Is it to late for me to start a new plan. There has to be some way too.You have been there before on the other side. She could end it with me if she wanted too.
I posted a reply to your thread. Please read it. We will all get through these times, together.
PS: Etiquette dictates that you should avoid hijacking other people's threads. If you were in a group conversation, would you interrupt someone else to push your own agenda? That comes across as rude, classless, and needy, which is the exact opposite of what you need to do, both here, and in your life.
We all believe our situation is the most important, and it is hard to not pepper all of the other threads begging for someone to help us. Help will come: It may not always be in the form of what you want to hear, but it is all help.
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
Journaling: Going to a local support group meeting this afternoon. Looking forward to meeting some new faces and talking about the situation.
I am also considering telling W she needs to leave, now, and that I will care for our son until her first scheduled week with him. I cannot allow her to continue to use our home as home-base for her affair, and I also cannot allow our son to have contact with OM. Given the situation as I have laid it out, would it be wise to do this, or should I leave it be?
Me: 30, W: 29 S: 4 T: 14 M: 5 BD: March, 2015, ILYBNILWY, IDLY, Need Space OM, EA/PA Discovered (drunken kissing, she says she stopped there? NOPE!): March 2015 S: April 25th, 2015
