You let it go too far again. When she starts to blameshift again, look her straight in the eyes and tell her that you will not be controlled by her and that if she continues to blame you for everything, you are walking away.
Remember. Shut her down before her rant. Or if you find yourself not being able to stop her, after her rant, just chuckle, shake your head and walk away. She'll start yelling back at you but just walk it off. Think of her as one of those crazy people you might see walking on a street spewing nonsense. You don't pay them any attention right? That's how you should see your W.
If she threatens to tell your friends the things that you've done, again, look her in the eyes, shrug your shoulders and tell her to go ahead because you have nothing to hide.
Confidence.
This kind of debating with a wayward is completely unproductive. It's antagonistic. You can't teach them and logic escapes them. Further, the logic of this argument completely contradicts the entire basis of why you are upset. Is she can't control you, to some extent, as your wife, they you can't control her and she can sleep with and date anyone she wants....right?
Defacto....please use discernment when applying any advice you receive on the internet. Michelle Davis is the expert on this forum. Not me. Not Mr. Bond. We are just your peers who have some insight having gone through this before you but also the bias of having only one experience.
My own perspective tells me that you should just listen to her rant and then listen some more. Instead of interjecting your conflicting opinion ("you don't control me") you ask questions like ("are you trying to control me?") and then LISTENING then maybe another question ("how come you can telll me who I can talk to but I can't tell you who you can sext with")...then LISTEN, then another question ("haven't you been telling OM stuff about me for the past year?). You aren't going to win arguments at this point so maybe you can plant some seeds of logic that will grow later on.
But that's just my opinion. Let's take a look at what the professional say: go back to Sandi's 180 list gleaned mostly from Ms. Davis's book:
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.
21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight..
23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
The internet is 90% complaining and entitlement and I hate it because I deserve better!
