I read through your thread and you report mostly positive actions from your W, no? Seems like she's reached out to you physically and emotionally. Where do you get the feeling that your M is over? I am sure I am missing something?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
Thanks Z. I honestly have been tempering my enthusiasm and taking things really slow from the perspective of accepting what I see and little of what I hear.
I get that it looks like my situation is not as complicated or as dire as many that I have read here on this board and that there is hope. It could be or like others, or just as bad, but I DO have hope, I just need to make sure my expectations are honest. I have been living in a terrible marriage for a long time, like crying at my desk at work for hours, crying myself to sleep every night just so that I can wake up to nightmares of my wife 'conducting herself in less than an hinerabke fashion'. The years of sex-starvrd.marriage before wife told me she was ready to leave me. I have been through a lot of hurt just like everyone else. I just got here later then most. I will apologize if it seems like I was not being mindful of others pain when I post good things that I've seen in my lifw...honestly you are the only people I've shared this stuff with and it felt great to share.
This situation with wife being checked out has been going on for years. Me not having my needs met has been going on for years. Lack of communication, not feeling appreciated Or wanted, wife not taking part in her families lives had been going on for so long, it is hard to remember the times where it wasn't like that.
I understand that I did nothing to make this better for a food portion of what I call the crisis phase of our marriage...in fact I now know I likely made things worse with my needy, passive aggressive behavior, trying to please her instead of backing away.
My issue is there is still little communication or nor has she shown any sort of emphasis from my wife to dig down and figure out with me, I get a real sense that she does not want to give me hope through MC or by giving me any sort of indication of a future together, when all I've been time for so long is that she had one foot out the door...that is hard to handle for years when that is all I have gotten. What went wrong in our marriage. Was there / is there an affair, and she is just getting the support from me she needs and giving mw the littlw bit of scraps she thinks i need to not leavw the reservation, I don't know. Is is this a phase where wife sees a way out, but is not quite there yet...and just keeping me in line till she can finally leave, idk. Is this my wife trying to check back into our marriage...??? What has changed to allow her to finally want back in. Me, yes certainly that is true, but is that enough. I know that none of these matter that can only work on mybside, that her working on her is a path she needs to take on her own. So deep down I know my old marriage IS over. Whether or not we can build a new one out of the ruins is a mother discussion.
I want her to be my wife. I want to grow old with her. I've spent over 1/2 my whole life and my entire adult life with her, yet I have no idea what she wants. I know this is such a dangerous spot in my life. I am finally un-meshing and actually detaching myself from my spouse to the point that I can accept moving forward without her or my kids in my daily lives. It will be terrible, but if that is what needs to happen for me to be happy, then that so be it. I have to be very careful with my outlook and not fall back onto old habits or allow myself to be epically betrayed if I am not cautious or if I lose my sight of what people are capable of.
I do want to thank you Zelda for sharing your time with me, and cherry, and eirinn, cadet and All the rest. It means so very much to know that I am not alone in this struggle and there are folks out there willing to slap straight from time to time and willing to help me grow!
So i think i am going crazy. My focus has been lost.
i went to IC yesterday and we discussed guilt i am having (read / interperet this as FEAR) and changes i've seen in me and in the wife.
He was very excited about the reports on wife's behavior to show more affection, join in on daily chores (a little bit anyway) and her actions like talking to me , stepping up to back me up with kids, etc. His comments were that she is showing great signs of not showing repulsion anymore, instead attraction. He said this is good news even if she is involved in an affair or whatever her situation is.
i told him that i am trying to temper my enthusiasm quite a bit. he told me that it is important to understand that true love can only be felt when we lower our walls are make ourselves vulnerable. he said that he understands the apprehension for truely making ourselves vulnerable emotionally, but he said there really is no such thing as cautious vulnerability and that we have to rely on our boundaries to really protect ourselves from being hurt.
it is clear i still love my wife. it is also clear that i have started to open up to her and started to trust what i am seeing from her behavior a little bit more and that is a good thing, right? Why am i so damned scared of setting those boundaries then, that i need to protect myself and my family. is it that I do not want to accept that I will have to ultimately file for a divorce and lose my children, house, savings, etc. It feels like that is exactly what i will have to choose to do to protect myself if there is in fact an affair going on. Some days i feel like i could handle being divorced, then other [LIKE TODAY] that i feel like i am not ready to accept what i will have to do and allow myself to be taken advantage of.
The bank can have the house i guess, we are underwater from the last houseing market draw-back. we can make payments now, but not gonna happen if there is a second rent in place to consider. That will be terrible since i've worked so hard on building a credit history that anyone could be proud of. whether short sale or forclosure, it will be bad for Zephyr's credit, period.
The children are resiliant, they are likely more than i. i can say that i will not accept less than 50/50, but that is ultimately up to the courts. i have basically raised the kids over the last 5 years 90% and it would be criminal for me not to get them, but who said the courts are just. they will adapt. they will not like it, I will not like it. COPE with it, right?
i am AWESOME, and would be a catch for sure. i make a good living (minus whatever the courts take away - sigh), great provider, great father, have become a good communicator (except for my spelling), loving, caring and i am not entirely unattractive. i don't know that this is something that i've put a lot of thought into over the last couple of years, meeting new women. This should not be something that i use as an excuse and be afraid.
So what is it that is causing me such trepidation, such fear of being alone. Is it the fear of failure...IDK, i don't think i have been a failure at all. i think that i dropped the ball all those years ago. i've tried to make things right, but was it too late.
I don't want to believe that divorce is a forgone conclusion either. I would be willing to forgive virtually anything from my wife if there was true regret, transparancy, work on her side and honeststy with the situation. but i know that if there is a boundary in place i need to be able to enforce it.
UUGH. i am tired of beating myself up. i am tired of being confused and afraid.
Oh zephyr , I'm im so sorry your feeling like this. This is a really difficult time. I get the fear of being alone thing. It was never necessarily that that kept me awake at night. It was the person who would be walking out of my life. You are truly right on all those points- you sound like a great man and an awesome v hands on dad! And I'm sure her opening up to you is in response to her seeing this in you. It does take time, I think I read something about a month for every year together. Obviously it takes them a while to trust these changes they see. But you are doing so so great. And I'm praying for you
Me 26 H 25 M 4 T 5 Baby born 4/14 BD: 1/15 EA: 2/15 PA: 4/15 reconciling: 4/15 ILYBINILWY- 11/15 ILY-1/16 ILYBNILWY 4/16 ILY 6/16 ILYBINILWY 6/16 Baby due 3/17 BD 8/16
So stupid... zepher thought i should share some of what i spoke to IC about including guilt about asking for things and conflict of doing too much with the kids and tring to spend more time for myself [thought it was a good idea at the time - lesson learned that conversation is for me]. Last night when I got home from work, cold n distant showed up. Not at all fun. I've seen these fluctuations so often in her. So I pulled back, gave her WIDE berth, went to kids soccer practice then out to guitar lessons. Came home put the kids to bed. Kids were arguing with wife. I let s13,and wife finish off their argument. The I pulled s13 aside and told him that he is not to speak to his mother like that, that he needs to look at her and not ignoe her when she is talking to him. She sought me out a little after and told me how much she appreciated me backing her up like that. I didn't think she even heard.
This am was better, felt normal, she even came to me for goodbye kisses. I thought she looked incredible in an outfit we picked out before Christmas. She was bubblier when she left.
Even when doing what feels right making gaffes. The lesson, if I am doing something to show progress...don't, just do it. Ic is for me unless she wants to go with...which SHe does not (Reason 42 why I cannot trust all that I see.)
Thanks cherry. I honestly don't know why I am still so afraid. Big Part of me thinks that this is real and there is love blossoming and the other smaller part thinks I am nuts and this is all BS and I should be gone long ago. That conflict is tearing me apart inside.
You seem afflicted with the same condition I have: turmoil in head is greater than actual happenings, no?
What if you were to put it aside and start acting AS IF you are a happily married man? I know...
But it seems so many times on this board ppl jump to LRT or hanging back when the 180s and As If would be more appropriate. I just wonder in your sitch since the line of demarcation to start hanging back was "when spouse has firmly closed door on marriage." She is physically reaching out to you. I know trust is scary and you don't want to get your heartbroken.
But, what if you keep doing what is working - your 180s - no R talk - and just go all out man she fell in love with and court her in little ways daily?
Mid 30's Psych-abusive M with violent tantrums from XH D 9/15; NC forever on
I hear your pain and anxiety. Hold in there. I have ups and downs in the way I look at my situation too. Sometimes we talk normally about doing this or that in a few months time and I think to myself how can you act like that and think about us doing stuff together that far away. But that is days when I struggle to support my situation. Other days I am really happy to have her in my life and I appreciate each extra day. Those days the same conversation lifts me as I know we have time. I cannot offer much guidance as I am lost a bit myself. Ultimately we deserve to be happy and for now I have decided I want to be happy with my wife. To get there we need to get through today, then tomorrow.
Edit - Please start a new thread. - Cadet
Last edited by Cadet; 04/24/1512:40 PM. Reason: message
R 25 years M 14 years S11 & S13 Working on it alone since Oct 2014 M in trouble a lot earlier (~2 years) Feb 2016. 1st R chat in a yr. Next R chat Aug'17 Still together
Thanks Zelda... You rock. My heart keeps telling me just that, I should keep going on like I've been, and enjoy what I am receiving...she has been reaching out her friendship and her physical presence is improved drastically and I get a sense that she doesn't despise me, from her right now (mind reading yes, but she does not cringe when I come near...even something as silly as when she hugs me, she no longer tucks her head away from mine, she has been resting her chin next to mine...so subtle but it is a world of difference in the way it makes me feel). I've got a long way to go with ME, still to attached to wife and kids (cried for 20 minutes after tucking boys in last night). I will continue on as if and Keep my mind focused. I can't ignore all of the signs, just can't react. Funny I type that, more than a few times we encounter a situations where wife will ask me what is wrong when she would be expecting me To react in a certain way...just look back at her and say...nope, nothing or Im just fun.
