I see that one thing that I'm experiencing that I really never had experienced before is self-pity. Now My life goes by with >90% appreciation and thankfulness, and the remaining I get in a funk and just feel sorry for myself and my kids.
Before BD, the feelings of appreciation and thankfulness were near 100%. In fact, some haunting dialogue that I can't let go is when W and I were just hanging out the night right prior to BD. W and I will talking and I said to her how blessed we are to be surrendered by so many good things in our lives; house, good jobs, money, etc. W said "MCS, it's just stuff" I said, "I didn't mean just those items; us/kids are healthy, we have our parents still with us, our family is happy, etc." This shows how utterly clueless I was, but it's so painful because I felt W and I were sharing a nice moment and then just a few hours later...... BD.
I really feel the anger residing, I'm just fearful that it will be replaced with apathy. I need to let go of worrying about that.
For some reason, I hit a wall tonight. I was doing just fine, doing some stuff around the house. Then I finished and just sat down, and started thinking. Weekends are tough, the kiddos are not here. It's the time where a lot of the emotions catch up with me. I'm definitely reacting to them better, but it still hurts.
For me, I have happiness deep down in my heart. It's always been there. I think I'm getting to the point of forgiveness, but the present interactions still bother me. I need to work on that. V, I think I love myself. I really do. However, I need to ponder your words, they're powerful and thought provoking. Let me get back and comment specifically on your post in a apday or so.
As always, thanks so much. what you wrote hit the spot I needed for tonight.
M:36 W:37 T: 15 M:11 S6 D5 BD: 8/10/14 IDLY: 8/12/14 S: 8/13/14 (she left, I stayed w/ kids) D Mentioned: 10/15/14 Confronted about OM: 10/15/14 EA: ~4/13 PA: ~10/13 She filed: 8/15 (not final)
