Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

Thanks V. I think I am just feeling like I am acting crazy. I am doing and saying whatever i can to try and control things that aren't within my control. And I am making myself look like a complete fool.

Today OW's d came over. The girls were having fun. I had to go down to the school to drop something off for S and the girls came with me. I ran into one of H's coworkers who was asking odd questions about where I was living and mentioned that she has heard things. I played cheerful and clueless. "Yes, WE are still living here. Yes I have a new job." I guess there is a lot of gossip going on about my situation among his coworkers. Of course, then the girls came out to give me a pizza to carry back since they were on bikes. And my mind started racing. If there is an affair, and the coworkers know, and here I am down at school with OW's d and playing it off like my marriage is still in tact then maybe it will make them look bad for carrying on behind my back. But it also makes me look foolish. And maybe nothing inappropriate is going on between them at school, but they are all talking about how I should be moved out, yet there I am pretending nothing has changed. The whole thing is such a mess. I had to know what the deal was.

I had to bring it up to H. H seemed genuinely surprised that this person would know anything. If he didn't say anything, then it shows that people he trusts are talking. Not that it is a big deal. I am talking, too. My networks are just much less entwined with his then his is with mine. I guess it isn't really that big a deal. I could have left it at that, but I went right back into my questions about OW. Wanting to know everything--"why does she think of you as her best friend?", "Why didn't I now you were that close?", "When did it begin?" "Why is she in such a rush to get us divorced?" He gave me nothing, but told me how his lawyer is aware of this "ambushing in front of the kids". The girls were inside. We were outside. I told him I just need answers. He just told me he owes me nothing we are done, blah blah blah. The girls came outside but they were nowhere near us. And I continued my interrogation. OW came to pick up her D while we were doing this. She didn't park or come in, but she asked her D to call him over. I walked out from the patio with him but didn't go to the car. It was brief--couple of seconds at most.

Ugh. I just want to know if it is an A or not--how do you know if a friendship is an EA? I don't think he is in love with her or thinks of her as a potential partner. She might have different ideas, IDK. He is really attractive, she is not. The problem is not so much what their relationship is, but that I care too much. I need to NOT CARE, but I'm obsessed with it. It gives him power. That makes me feel crazy. Honestly, I really just want her gone. D wants OW's D to come over again tomorrow and we agreed. She isn't going away.

See. I am not DBing at all anymore. I am doing the opposite. I am in a desperate place of think, if it is all over anyway then I am going no holds bar. I don't want this marriage I have right now. I don't even want the one I used to have. But I still want that man--that man that I am not so sure ever existed. I keep trying to dig him back out of this man who is rejecting me but it keeps making things worse. And i know better, but I just can't seem to stop myself. That is why I feel so crazy. Usually I can rationalize my way into a better place, but right now I am letting my emotions make all of the decisions and they are always really, really bad ones.