Is there a way to recover from this loss of dignity?
You are Msd. Pain is not loss of dignity. I am so proud of the way you have handled your work challenge. That is dignity Msd.
Not even to save my marriage but just to save my self respect. Right now I am in a really bad place realizing how desperate and crazy I have become.
lovely Msd you are in pain and grief. This is to be expected, you are human after all. A mother invested in her family, why be surprised. Without exception on this board we have all had this! It is absolutely completely normal, natural and part of the process.
I can't tell if it is just because he confuses me and twists things until I just start reacting like a crazy person. Or if it is really who I am.
The former.
Right now I'm afraid that maybe ow isn't an EA at all.
What a nasty little worm this OW is. Frankly EA or PA it really does not matter. Your H is enthralled and the sooner it runs its course the better
And I feel foolish about it.
It is your H who is the foolish idiot.
The biggest issue I have is in coming to terms with what the past 15 years of my life was about. What was real about any of this?
The past is the past Msd. Leave it, let it rest. Please leave your history as your best memory. I always say today's hurricane need not replace last summers sunny picnic.
If he thought this way of me why did it go on for so long? I've lost my mind these past few months. I know he wasn't sure a few months ago and now he is absolutely sure.
He is an idiot.
And I know my behavior since finding out about ow has everything to do with it.
He is in an A, it has little to do with you. He chose this and you could have been the most wonderful ever and H make his choice. Msd get to a place where you say it is your H behaviour that is the cause not your own.
Was my whole marriage a sham?
Of course not! Why tell yourself this.
Why did he even pretend to want me in the first place.
I doubt he did.
I dont even remember what I loved about him, except the ideal of happily ever after. Our life together has been a disaster. I think it was because we were careless. He thinks it's because we were a mistake.
Your H needs to rewrite history Msd, but you don't have to buy into his version of events. If your washing machine breaks down after 15 years you don't say I bought the wrong machine. You say I will repair it, it has done well. If a tree bough breaks you say I need to prune the tree so it will be healthy.
Choices or fate? I believed in fate when we got together, but now I feel like it is all about choices.
Yes of course it is.
We need to separate. I know that.
Do you! That is why you DB?
Things aren't going to get better and they really suck right now.
They do, and they will get better with time.
I'm scared. Im ashamed. Im heartbroken.
Scared and heartbroken I really understand those. I would ask you Msd why are YOU the one who is ashamed, and is that appropriate?
And I feel the need to hang on to this dead fish of a relationship just to prove it wasn't all make believe. That is crazy, right?
No, it is not crazy. I would like you to want a better R and a different M even if that is with your H. To move forwards rather than to hang on. To want to renew, to want to DB, but Msd no one can ask you to move faster than you want to go.
Also the fact that I can't keep my mouth shut is crazy too.
I am concerned about the use of this word crazy. Msd why that word in particular? What does it mean to you!
I tell him everything. For me it is impossible to keep anything in. Why? Especially since it is. Dry clear that he's never felt comfortable telling me anything. That's why this relationship bothers me so much. What if it really is me and not him? im sure it is both of us. He wants me to find someone else. i guess the jealousy issue is no longer in play for him. Now that I got jealous he no longer is.
So much mind reading. Stop. please stop.
Msd can we explore the use of the word crazy?
It concerns me.
Calm, peace ((((((((Msd))))))) V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
