Alpha Step At A Time #5

[alpha99]

Hey Onetheup and Complex, thanks for the kind words of encouragement.

After taking the kids back this morning I've mainly worked all day. I went for a long walk around the local area this evening. Whilst out I got another message (via email) from the girl at the quiz last night. This lead to exchanging phone numbers. I'm writing this to be clear to myself: I DO NOT WANT TO DATE! I wouldn't be surprised if I had gotten it all wrong anyway and she was just being friendly - it's been so long I can't read the signs between friendly and something else - so who knows?

All I know is that making new friends and having some female company (as a friend) is surely a good thing. I'm pretty convinced that part of the problem between W and I is that neither of us had a regular social outlet with our own friends whilst together in recent years and so we spent too much time together/were dependent on each other to some degree. I am building a new life for myself now; it's at once both scary and exciting.

It does feel like a switch has been flicked from how I've felt up until now and despite a few false dawns and posts on here describing how well I felt I was doing (when in fact looking back, up until now good feelings have been rather momentary amid intense feelings of drowning in sorrow and self pity), now I am having some sustained period of time actually feeling HAPPY!

When I stop and think about things (which is an improvement over constantly thinking about things) I do of course feel loss (W) and shame (kids), whether that's rightly or wrongly to do so. If I had to I could live a life without W, co-parenting our kids and showing them nothing but love. I think I'm getting to grips also with the idea that if I had to I could eventually move on and be happy with someone else. Don't get me wrong, I want to save my marriage - that's why I'm here after all - but if according to the vets here the way to do that is by detaching, then I feel like I am making massive strides in that regard in a short space of time.

But...there's always a but...

I need to stay clear of sentimental music. I was listening to a new album by an artist I like, and this lead me inadvertently to listening to a few love songs that reminded me of W. I did cry for a moment, just a moment, and was tempted to send her a link to the song (but didn't)...and now I feel great again. I guess these waves will come and go but I do feel stronger than before, much more so, to the point where if things don't work out I don't think I'll lose my head as I did immediately post BD but instead find a way to roll with the punches and get on with life. Let's see what tomorrow holds eh!