Is there a way to recover from this loss of dignity? Not even to save my marriage but just to save my self respect. Right now I am in a really bad place realizing how desperate and crazy I have become. I can't tell if it is just because he confuses me and twists things until I just start reacting like a crazy person. Or if it is really who I am. Right now I'm afraid that maybe ow isn't an EA at all. And I feel foolish about it. The biggest issue I have is in coming to terms with what the past 15 years of my life was about. What was real about any of this? If he thought this way of me why did it go on for so long? I've lost my mind these past few months. I know he wasn't sure a few months ago and now he is absolutely sure. And I know my behavior since finding out about ow has everything to do with it. Was my whole marriage a sham? Why did he even pretend to want me in the first place. I dont even remember what I loved about him, except the ideal of happily ever after. Our life together has been a disaster. I think it was because we were careless. He thinks it's because we were a mistake. He said that I dont inspire him. I feel like I have that effect on men. Like I make things too easy that they stop trying harder. Do I just have this way of making men fall into a rut once we are in a relationship? Maybe I need to be more bitch and less enabler?
Choices or fate? I believed in fate when we got together, but now I feel like it is all about choices. We need to separate. I know that. Things aren't going to get better and they really suck right now. I'm scared. Im ashamed. Im heartbroken. And I feel the need to hang on to this dead fish of a relationship just to prove it wasn't all make believe. That is crazy, right? Also the fact that I can't keep my mouth shut is crazy too. I tell him everything. For me it is impossible to keep anything in. Why? Especially since it is. Dry clear that he's never felt comfortable telling me anything. That's why this relationship bothers me so much. What if it really is me and not him? im sure it is both of us. He wants me to find someone else. i guess the jealousy issue is no longer in play for him. Now that I got jealous he no longer is.
Last edited by mustardseed; 04/17/1511:43 PM.
40s 2teens M14Y BD-10/12/13 rec-1/14 BD2-5/14 rec2-9/14 EA disc-10/14 4/15-BD 3 and triangulation ensues Served with D6/15 MS forced to leave7/15 D agreement signed 8/16 final 5/17
