My First Break, Light Shines Yonder

[Zues126]

Hey Py, one thing I did that was helpful for email/text was the STBX "translator" technique. You might have seen this if you read through my old threads.

Basically I rewrite her email or text to me in a more friendly way. Suddenly texts that seem impossible to respond to are easy to do so without any defensiveness or hostility.

So if she writes: Whatever you're telling D about me you need to stop. I don't say anything negative about you and whatever happens between you and I has nothing to do with her. She needs both parents and you're only hurting her when you do talk bad about me.

Hmmmmm.......hard to respond to, isn't it?

So rewrite it the way you'd have liked to see it: Py, what's happened between us is very difficult for our D. We're both trying our best to look out for her, but I'm concerned she's blaming herself or me for what's going on. I'm trying really hard to watch what I say around her, and I know you love her as much as I do and are probably aware of this so please continue to do the same. No matter what happens I want to be able to work together with you to make sure D is ok and has a good R with both of us.

That's easier to reply to! Now you could reply to that rewritten email like this: W, I agree it's hard to watch D in pain and the best thing for her is to feel safe and loved from both her parents. I appreciate you putting her first in all you do and I will follow your lead and do the same. You're right that whatever else happens we need to work together so she can have a good R with both of us. Sincerely, Py.

Now- see how the response to the rewritten email actually works for the scathing one? And how it was validating, non-defensive, and collaborative?

I used that when I worked for a boss that sent scathing emails and it helped me tremendously. Let me know what you think.