Thank you for believing in me. Your story/advice is incredibly encouraging.
This afternoon, I suspended my W cellphone service. I came home early from work and calmly told her what I decided to do and why (boundaries). She became very angry, accusing me of being controlling, manipulative, etc. She said she hates me and wishes we never married. I remained calm throughout. She Said that it was "our" money and stated that I couldn't do what I did. My reply... "It's family money to be used for our family needs, not for you to blatantly disrespect all of us by having an affair".
I'll post more about our conversation a little later. She talked about leaving, taking the kids, not having any money of her own, etc.
Perfectly stated, and well-done, Rubi. I commend you -- some wallow in fear for MONTHS before doing the very simple (but NOT easy) step that you just took today. Many NEVER do it.
btw, everything she said is SCRIPT. We all could have written it for her ahead of time (and it looks like someone -- I think it was Train -- even pretty much did!). The fact is, you could have done nothing (horrible move, for all the reasons stated over the past 24 hours), or you could have secretly messed with the router settings and blocked her IP address or something, which is cowardly and weaselly. What you did instead was look her straight in the eye and calmly tell her what you did, and why. And your reasons were in the best interests of the family.
Again, WELL DONE.
Let her stew. If she continues to attack you over it, just again say what you said originally -- even word-for-word. No more. Throw in a "I'm sorry you feel that way," and move on. If she gets downright rude, obscene or disrespectful, end the conversation.
I also told her that if she used the house phone or the Internet to contact him, I would shut that off too.
She also talked about leaving to go back to her home town, where the OM lives and her family. She said it would be to stay with her parents... But we all know the truth. I told her that she was free to do what she wanted but I wasn't ok with her using one of our family vehicles to go see the OM. I told her that she would need to get money from OM or her family to do that. The money in our accounts is for family needs. I also told her that if she went to see the OM, when she returned, her things would be in bags in the garage, adding that she would no longer be welcome here.
I know I need to see an attorney soon but what are some of your thoughts... Legally she's right, the money is ours. How can I really enforce my boundaries? Creating another account seems like it would cause trouble if we got before a judge?
This baby DBer is killing it with boundary-setting and making his stance super duper clear to his WAW very early in the sitch. Rubi has his balls alright. This is HOW it's done, people.
Originally Posted By: Rubicon
I also told her that if she used the house phone or the Internet to contact him, I would shut that off too.
She also talked about leaving to go back to her home town, where the OM lives and her family. She said it would be to stay with her parents... But we all know the truth. I told her that she was free to do what she wanted but I wasn't ok with her using one of our family vehicles to go see the OM. I told her that she would need to get money from OM or her family to do that. The money in our accounts is for family needs. I also told her that if she went to see the OM, when she returned, her things would be in bags in the garage, adding that she would no longer be welcome here.
Keep going, Rubi...you're on the right track.
Yes, go ahead and set up a separate checking account as a firewall to the family's finances. I cannot begin to tell you of reading countless horror stories of the WAS cleaning out the accounts to fund their affairs....many in THOUSANDS of Benjamins. You don't want to get benjamined by your wayward wife.
I have just read and reread these threads. All are very powerful and I am taking them and using them for my situation. Thank you for sharing your stories.
I love my family more than anything, but it feels really good to have a backbone, stand up for my core beliefs and be the best person I can be. If no one notices, meh, their loss but at least I know I held my head high with courage and integrity.
I did not start this but I will certainly finish it and will protect myself and my family in the process. As for the train wreck, I will step aside.
As I stated in an earlier post, W wanted to leave back in January 2015. At that time, I told her that I wanted her to stay so we could work on our marriage. Of corse, she wanted no part of that. Anyway, she quickly realized that she had no way to provide for herself (she blames me for that). We don't have the finances to support two places to live. I then suggested if she really wanted to go, she could go stay with her family or the OM but she couldn't take the kids. She mainly stayed with me since then because she didn't want to leave the kids... And had no way to provide for herself. Months have past. She has occasionally looked for a job but is quickly discouraged at her prospects and stops. So she still has no way to provide for herself.
With this afternoons conversation, she seemed to be angry that she still did not have anywhere to go... but very content leaving. She correctly claims that leaving is what she wanted all along... She just expected that I would pay for it... I guess.
I know I need to see an attorney soon but what are some of your thoughts... Legally she's right, the money is ours. How can I really enforce my boundaries? Creating another account seems like it would cause trouble if we got before a judge?
I ran everything by my attorney, and made sure to put it all in writing to my wife so that she couldn't lie about any of it. I erred on the side of being overly generous, but generally split up the family monthly budget into "needs" and "wants." I continued to finance all of her needs, but not the stuff she used to enable her affair. Basic haircut and blowdry? Yes. Expensive salon haircoloring to make her look younger for her 20-years-younger OM? No way. Monthly pmt. on her cc, 2/3rd of the balance was her tummy tuck plastic surgery? I made 1/3 of the pmt. I continued to pay for the mortgage and all of the utilities, and our groceries and other family necessities, but I limited her gasoline and the stuff mentioned above. Cut off her cellphone completely.
Furthermore told her that she needed to get a full-time job and we would pay into the joint family account in proportion to our income. I continued @ 100% for the next 30 days while she increased her hours.
etc.
I set up my own account where my paycheck was deposited, and to which she had no access. I then transferred enough into our joint checking account to cover the family's basic needs for the month. I told her this (in an email) after I had already set it up.
You should see a good family law atty asap -- preferably one specializing in "men's rights" and paternal custody issues -- and get a free initial consultation. Run everything by her or him first.
P.S. whenever communicating financial stuff to her in writing, I would be sure to say things like "I will of course abide by whatever a judge tells me I need to do," and "I will do whatever is legally required of me if I'm misunderstanding anything here," etc. Just basic CYA stuff.
This was probably the best single post I ever read about boundaries. It was written by a poster named Jayne, who I don't think posts here anymore but it was so good that I saved it in my personal archives:
Jayne, on “boundaries”:
Think about boundaries like this:
Boundaries are not about controlling the other person, because boundaries are about drawing "circles" around *you* and determining what you will and won't allow inside that circle.
Your wayward wife can do whatever she wants OUTSIDE that circle. You are not telling her what to do.
But you will only let into that circle people who treat you with respect.
She's free to go on treating you with disrespect, but you won't know about it because she'll be outside your circle. She's free to go on and draw her own boundaries of no expectations and no responsibilities, outside your circle.
She can do WHATEVER she wants. She's a free person, free to make WHATEVER choices she wants.
BUT SO ARE YOU, and you are free to choose who to allow within your circle.
That's all. Not about trying to control her at all. Tell her she's totally free. She has the WHOLE WORLD, outside your circle, to go and do whatever she wants.
If she's saying you have to let her into your circle no matter what, then THAT is about HER controlling YOU.
Wow. This is a way of explaining boundaries that actually makes sense. It's not about influencing them but protecting me. This is excellent. I needed this today.
Cheers, PureHrt 18 years married, 22 years together Separated since Jan (2nd time in 3 years) 1 child
Running out the door and don't have a lot of time but BRAVO my friend! That is EXACTLY how you do it. Now stick to it and apologize for nothing. Offer no concessions, no olive branch. Be polite, have class, honor and dignity, but do not give in. Her inability to support herself is her problem, not yours. It is not a shared problem, it is hers alone as she is the one who chose this course.
I would set up your own bank account and have your checks deposited there only, then set up an auto-transfer into your joint account with an amount you feel is fair to run the household and that's it.
Acc
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
