uR- EXACTLY! What an awesome post. That's exactly right and what I've become to realize.

I am doing so much better. I had to let myself fall to the bottom. I was holding on to the impossible. Shielding myself from reality in it's naked- raw truth. I think I put a spin on things in my mind- so I could cope? But it prevented me from the bottom line. Until I took that sugar-coating off the pile of $hit of truth, I was denying that really- the only thing it was, was, $hit. Nothing else.

So had to fall. Accept exactly what it is. Only then can I work my way up. MY way- not carrying anyone up. Just me.

Still tough. Still a long way to go- still accepting truths and reality..., but when I hit a setback, I know I've climbed it previously- so I can do it again. Only a little more stealthier.

Thanks, uR. I'm getting there!

Gwen- we will persevere! I got your back.

Bea- yes! The person we could count on the most. Yes! That stuck out to me, too. It's like a speed bump that I roll up to and don't have enough momentum to get over, so I roll back and forth- just can't get over that one yet.

Dang, full of analogies today!

And yeah... The fact that they don't like what they've done- I think that's what was making me so crazy when it happened again. The opportunity to right the wrong.... Or something. Especially after what I know now about what it was like (partially- I know there is way more to it). But that come with the territory.

I think it gave me the bigger picture. This is much deeper than I ever could have imagined. Then the sugar disappeared from the $hit.

And.... Voila! Here you have me... Starting at the bottom... (I keep hearing drake)

The pursuing kids... This has me in a parking lot RIGHT NOW! I didn't realize that tonight was the Kevin hart show xh got tix to take s18- his bday present.

I hadn't thought of it. S18 told me he was going to lax game out of town, but going to hang w a friend first. D14 is at lax practice, then going to watch boys lax game after.

I think s18 was sure to make plans to be away from home.

I realized I needed to get out of there!!!!! It still gets me worked up inside. Much better- but I don't want to deal.

So, I'm in a parking lot. My friend and his wife are going to pick me up in a couple of hrs to go out for a bit.

I don't like this. So I will stay out of it. I really want NO part of it. And, that was xh's call to set the dynamic last year bc he wasn't allowed to talk to me- even regarding kids (and she didn't like him coming to the house to pick them up. Yet she spends every Sunday w her OTHER baby-daddy), so he only communicated w them & not me. Well- that is a-ok. Totally backfired on him.

(I added the above anecdote for fun- doesn't bother me anymore.)