Wayward Wife and the Way of LRT

[Georgia Bulldogs]

1. Do you think it was wrong of me to continue to pull away from W when she was reaching out to me but still involved with OM?

2. As far as the present is concerned, I can see how a supportive approach could be viewed as a 180 but I see how W would receive it as too little too late.

3. Should I innocently reach out to see how W is doing or just sit tight and wait to see if W comes to me?

4. It would really help to know what's going on with OM right now!

1. No. You could have perhaps listened a bit more or shared some emotion when called for. But active way wards are crazy behaving and it's generally acceptable and healthier to keep your distance. It causes a lot of anxiety to be around an active wayward and you needed to calm down and be the responsible person. MANY betrayed husband's go nuts in the beginning expressing anger and hurt and desperation. IMO, this isn't necessarily a mistake. It may not be productive towards ending the affair but it, at least, shows your wayward wife that you care enough to be upset by her behavior. Men that recover kind of accept it all as part of the process of recovery whereas men that don't more strongly regret those behaviors the first few weeks. For example, if you recover, your biggest regret will probably be not telling OM's wife immediately back in January when you discovered the affair. If you don't, your biggest regret may be not just chucking in the towel, accepting a quick collaborative divorce and moving on with your life. I preferred being more proactive and interacting with my wayward wife but I was able to let her fog talk gas lighting comments bounce off me. Conversely, some say trusting and allowing your adult wife figure things out all on her own is safer for you emotionally and actually a respectful loving gesture. I'm more fighter.

2. "To little too late" is too little...too late until it isn't. If one of her complaints about you was that you didn't do enough for her or support her, how is doing nothing (and acting all happy about it) going to help that? She's not is love with you right now and that's not gonna magically change. By the way, 99 or every 100 wayward wives say the same thing. Sometimes it's a legitimate complaint other times it's not (typical fog talk rationalization and justification), but regardless, it doesn't give them the right to cheat nor the right to choose another mate. Also you don't have to agree with her complaints, while she's foggy I'd suggest just validating them, tending to agree and continue to listen. While they are wayward, you can't teach them anyway.

3. Don't pursue....just be prepared to be supportive IF the opportunity arises. Don't overcommit either. I'm not thinking you'll be spending hours with her or on the phone letting her go on and on berating you and blaming you. You can and should cut it short and get back to your GAL's in the meantime versus obsessing over her. At best, maybe you can just be neutral, calm and relaxed as a safe harbor for your wife who is living in a storm right now.

4. Don't bug OM's wife. You texted yesterday. Have you tried to contact her more than that? You want to be careful here. OM could be gas lighting her that you are a crazy vindictive abusive husband. If you "harass" her at all, she'll see that behavior as consistent with his lie. Next time you contact her I'd recommend doing it by phone call. That way if she doesn't answer you can leave a calm professional voicemail indicating "sorry to bother you but felt you should know my wife knows I am the one that told you and that her boss supposedly knows about the affair (but that could be a lie). Other than that you don't know what's going on at the hospital and any information she can provide would be greatly appreciated, even if it's just letting you know that she no longer wishes to share information with you. Tell her "I'd also really like to know if your husband intends to end it and recommit to you and your family or if he tried to lie his way out of this. Again, I'm sorry to bother you during these difficult days."