specifically would like him to stop sharing our private conversations with OW stop texting her when we are trying to do something, stop comparing and criticizing everything I do. And how do I handle it when he goes to be with her. I have said I will not tell our kids what he is doing but will not lie and it is up to him to let them know he won't be at home these nights/mornings (she told him I was being a manipulative bitch and putting kids in the middle) Aslo I feel like if he choose to be with her and miss family time he does not have the right to ask me questions about what we did, etc. Is this appropriate and how do I say this?
AHW,
I am glad you are here, the fact that you are even asking if this is appropriate says that you need to be in a place like this with supportive people.
I usually don't weigh in on posts like yours, because there a several posters around here who are really good about dealing with this type of situation, and my advice can't match theirs. But there's something about your post that really raises my hackles.
First of all - your husband isn't just having an affair - he is trying to bring a 3rd party into your marriage. I'm assuming you are not ok with this - because you are here. There are no half measures here that are going to help you.
What happened with his first affair? How did it end?
Is he spending family money on his affair? Do you both work? Who controls the finances in your household?
Right now, are there any consequences for his behavior? I'm going to answer for you, that it doesn't sound like there are.
If you won't live in an open marriage then tell him that. If he forwards your texts to his mistress, stop texting him. If he tries to forward you her texts, block him. If he texts her in front of you, leave the room.
It sounds to me like he is using your kids to blackmail you - "Don't speak up or protect yourself or it will hurt the kids". You know this is malarkey, right? He's the one that has already hurt them - don't be his accomplice.
I hope some wiser vets will come along soon and help out.
