Not sure where to start. Found out 3 weeks ago H is having an affair. (not his 1st). Says they are red hot and growing closer. Doesn't want to work on marriage if it means giving up what he has with her. We have 3 kids--19 yo girl in away at college and 16yo twin boys. Lots of stress and issues. He wants to stay together as friends until twins graduate from HS. Not sure he wants a D but not committed to fixing us, but hey it would be cool if we could all play together in the bedroom..
Need help setting up some boundaries. He tells me all about the 2 of them, compares me to her and of course i come up short every time. Tells me how she does everything better than me. Forwards me her texts and we cannot have a private conversation about our kids or anything without it being shared. Also he texts her constantly in front of me to the point where we cannot even have a conversation.
Of course I have made all the mistakes am trying to distance myself and GAL but difficult because he is still here, has so much contact with her and spends a couple nights with her each week.
specifically would like him to stop sharing our private conversations with OW stop texting her when we are trying to do something, stop comparing and criticizing everything I do. And how do I handle it when he goes to be with her. I have said I will not tell our kids what he is doing but will not lie and it is up to him to let them know he won't be at home these nights/mornings (she told him I was being a manipulative bitch and putting kids in the middle) Aslo I feel like if he choose to be with her and miss family time he does not have the right to ask me questions about what we did, etc. Is this appropriate and how do I say this?
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
specifically would like him to stop sharing our private conversations with OW stop texting her when we are trying to do something, stop comparing and criticizing everything I do. And how do I handle it when he goes to be with her. I have said I will not tell our kids what he is doing but will not lie and it is up to him to let them know he won't be at home these nights/mornings (she told him I was being a manipulative bitch and putting kids in the middle) Aslo I feel like if he choose to be with her and miss family time he does not have the right to ask me questions about what we did, etc. Is this appropriate and how do I say this?
AHW,
I am glad you are here, the fact that you are even asking if this is appropriate says that you need to be in a place like this with supportive people.
I usually don't weigh in on posts like yours, because there a several posters around here who are really good about dealing with this type of situation, and my advice can't match theirs. But there's something about your post that really raises my hackles.
First of all - your husband isn't just having an affair - he is trying to bring a 3rd party into your marriage. I'm assuming you are not ok with this - because you are here. There are no half measures here that are going to help you.
What happened with his first affair? How did it end?
Is he spending family money on his affair? Do you both work? Who controls the finances in your household?
Right now, are there any consequences for his behavior? I'm going to answer for you, that it doesn't sound like there are.
If you won't live in an open marriage then tell him that. If he forwards your texts to his mistress, stop texting him. If he tries to forward you her texts, block him. If he texts her in front of you, leave the room.
It sounds to me like he is using your kids to blackmail you - "Don't speak up or protect yourself or it will hurt the kids". You know this is malarkey, right? He's the one that has already hurt them - don't be his accomplice.
I hope some wiser vets will come along soon and help out.
Thanks for your reply. A litle more background. We have been married almost 22 years. My H has had an issue with internet porn, that started probably 17-18 years ago. I was not as sexually adventurous as him and he has an extremely high sex drive. I know i could have responded better, but his addiction made it really tough. It progressed from watching web cams to hooking up, sexting, and then an affair about 8 years ago. I discovered it after about 6 months and he pretty much said we could stay married but he wasn't giving up the OW. We went to a couple of counseling sessions but he would not end it. I compensated by jumping through hoops sexually, but he lied and kept up the affair. At some point (maybe 9 months in ) her H found out and things fizzled.
Around that time I got depressed and gave up because it seemed all the effort was on my part. He did lots of camming, etc and we were also dealing with teenagers, twins with ADHD getting in lots of trouble at school.. He says I only tried long enough to get rid of the M. His tastes got more and more out there and he wasnt in to working on anything
He stopped approaching me for sex. It had been 2 years. We talked about it some. I begged him to really try to work on everything. Stupid of me but I hoped something might trigger a spark or change so we could address all the issues. We are so close to leaving behind all the stresses and being like newlyweds again in 2 years when boys go to college.
In November one of my sons got in trouble at school and got kicked off the football team. Apparently my H response was to place an ad on Ashley Madison and he is living out a fifty shades of gray fantasy so its very intense. 3 weeks ago the same son got picked up for shoplifting and my H said he didnt care anymore when I asked him who he kept texting.
So its all new all fresh. Believe it or not I feel like we could fix things if he got on board but maybe I am in denial
so No not really spending a significant amount of money on affair. We have a cabin they use
we both work
no real consequences yet not sure how to address with problems with kids
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
Sorry you're here, AH. However, you will not find a more incredibly supportive group than DBers here.
Cadet, calling you. Would you please link Train's thread(s) here...or her last one? I think AH could use some guidance from Train's threads...especially when laying down the no talking about the OW boundary or texting OW in/around the house.
AH, try to read up on Train's threads as much as you can for I do see parallels between your sitch and Train in how she navigated through her H's two affairs. They are now happily reconciled and have been piecing for the past year now. Train comes around occasionally.
Chin up...we're all here for you.
Last edited by Cadet; 04/17/1508:14 PM. Reason: Link
This is so hard. I have stopped texting so they would not be forwarded and generally asks if he is alone before i will talk to him on the phone. Have not talked about the OW since Tues although he was out of town much of the week. I got a little bit irritated tonight because he was late coming home for dinner then late picking up our son and went to the wrong place. Says he is distracted by issues with his parents who have dementia.
Seems to me like he is distracted because he is constantly texting even takes phone to bathroom. I finally said can you put the phone down for 5 minutes so we can talk
he did but not before finishing his text. I told him that he led me to believe he wanted us to work on a friendship and attempt to stay together for 2 years until boys went to college. I said I am evaluating that but if you want to do that you have to make more of an effort to continue our normal family life, dinner as a family, keeping committments and some time being my friend or you might as well leave. He said he was trying to do that and hadn't mentioned OW all week (which really means since Tues)
i also said if you want to be my friend then you need to put the phone away when you are spending time with me and stop the constant texting because it is rude and disrespectful and hurtful. I can't stop you but i will walk away.
he said he would try then picked up his phone. So i left. Oh and he made sure to let me know that OW is still in the picture and he would be wanting to spend time witih her on Sunday
i'm sure my kids suspect something is wrong but they do not know. We were trying to keep things semi-stable while we got them in some counseling for drinking and behavior issues and to let my daughter get through exams at college
is this a mistake should i ask him to move up to the cabin? Also he won a trip to Napa next week. We still plan to go even though I volunteered to back out even suggested he take the OW . He said he wanted me to go and I know he doesnt want to show up at a work function with a mistress. I thought it would be good time away from her and i know she is bothered by us getting close and has asked him about sex etc. Now I just don't know........
Tough night. So after all of the above said I was being a bully and being whiny and needy and he didnt have time to babysit me. He said I told him he was a bad dad. i said no I am just trying to stand up for myself because so far you are getting everything you want and not considering how your actions effect me and this familly.
He also keeps saying I didn't care about fixing our marriage until I found out he had someone else. Last week he said he would be willing to do some counseling to help us be able to communicate better and be productive especially where our kids are concerned. Now he says no I just need to go on my own....the OW did and it has helped her.
And of course he says he just can't talk to me it's not how OW talks to him "and yes she's perfect you could learn a lot from her!'"
For someone who has really had no consequences except his own guilt I don't understand why he is so angry all the time
