W won't stop EA with OM!

[Train]

Rubi,

I feel your pain and confusion in SO many ways. I'm so thankful you landed here.

My H had two PAs, eight years apart. The second one was a result of, as you said in your first post, not repairing things correctly after the first time. The difference in your situation and mine is that I was here during the first PA, handling things largely the same way you've been handling them with your W (ignoring the A and trying to be my H's BFF). He came back (too early/easily). And then cheated again eight years later. When I found myself back here early last year, I was mad as hell, and there was NO way I could buy into the notion that MWD - an expert in saving marriages - could be advocating being my H's BFF while he was actively cheating on me. Surely, I thought, she wouldn't tell me to ignore an A, because that would be like asking me to ignore my mental AND physical health. And, frankly, ignoring an A - as Starsky has, as always, so eloquently pointed out - has the potential to kill your M even more than the A itself has. I came back in early 2014, ready to protect myself and unsure of whether I wanted my M to work. (And I agree with Starsky's assessment of MWD's DR and what it offers - and doesn't - about As.)

I received the same amazing advice you're getting - plus a little more, which I'll try to briefly summarize below - and my H and I have been piecing our M back together for a year now.

Affairs operate under a veil of secrecy. They're risky and fun and "carefree." The AP is exhilarating and sexy. He doesn't represent responsibilities. The A isn't burdened by issues with kids, a home, finances, work, etc. The OM is a breath of fresh air - a drug (seriously - research it) - while you are a drag, representing everything heavy in a relationship.

Once an A is discovered and exposed, the APs start to see how the other one acts under pressure. But that's only IF they feel under pressure. Let me provide a personal example: Once I discovered my H's A and confronted him about it, he continued texting OW. In fact, I found a text exchange four days after BD - at a time when H had told me he was "weighing his options but staying in the M for now" - where he told OW: "Text me. Train is with me, not that THAT matters. Lol." At that time, just four days after discovering the A, everything was so new, and I was trying to take some time to sort out my strategy. (I wasn't back on the boards yet.) I had told H the very night of BD that I wouldn't live in an open M and would work on fixing "my side of the street" if and only IF he ceased communication with OW. But I immediately jumped into that ignoring/"gay best friend" mode that I had perfected in 2006. IOW, my H didn't feel under pressure to stop the A. In fact, I emboldened him - by ignoring it and placating him - to unrepentantly continue it. And LAUGH about my ignorance with OW!!! (Still burns me up!)

Still suspicious that my H was continuing to text OW - he had told me the A was "text-only" - the very day he sent that text ^^^ to OW (along with pictures of our children ), I waited until he was asleep and went through his phone. That's when I saw just how deep the A was. And all the ignoring/"gay BFF" stuff went right out the window. To make a long story short, I suspended service to his phone right then and there and smashed the physical phone with a meat tenderizer right in front of his face.

That was the (very dramatic and knee-jerk, I admit) beginning of my boundaries. And THAT is when H and OW started feeling stress and pressure for the first time. And it's when OW started showing her true colors, out in broad daylight and without the veil of secrecy the A provided. It was the beginning of the end of the A.

In addition to protecting YOU (the main point of boundaries), they also effectively remove you from a sick love triangle. And that leaves the two "in love" APs to meet each other's needs. People who enter into extramarital As are clearly behaving pretty selfishly. So think of a relationship of two people who are only out for themselves. Do you see where THAT is going? Sure, they swear they're in the relationship for one another ... they've FINALLY met their "soul-mate" who cares SO much about them. But if OM cared so much about your W, why would he hurt her children by destroying her family in this particular way?

I'm long-winded. But my point is: yes. Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries. Turn that cell off - yesterday. Just like my H, she will likely get another one in a flash. But don't allow her to use family money to buy it or pay for it. Starsky is great at providing pointers on how to financially protect your family from the A. Drop any fear, and act from a place of STRENGTH. *That* is attractive to women.

While you're setting boundaries to protect you - and your heart - and your family, figure out your shortcomings as a man and a H. And start working to fix them. This is for YOU so that, once out of this hell-on-earth, you will be irresistible to a future partner (hopefully your W).

Don't let her cries of "you're trying to control me!!!" bother you. That's script. You can bet it's coming. And it's all a manipulation tactic to get you to back off. Don't back off. Let her spew. You just say: "I'm sorry you feel that way. Everything I'm doing is to protect my marriage and my family." She may not show it, but deep down, this is where/when the seeds of respect start to grow.

Meanwhile, OM is going to start diminishing in her eyes. And he will likely get tired of your W's freak-out sessions, spewing about you trying to "control" her.

I'm over-simplifying here, and it likely sounds like I'm trivializing the situation or being inconsiderate of your feelings, but as someone who's been there, I'm going to say it anyway: It's a beautiful disaster.

I know I rambled a lot. I hope some of it is helpful. I'll look forward to hearing how (quickly) things progress as you start to stand up for yourself some.

Again, I'm happy you landed here.