In an earlier post I said that I was "ignoring" the A. Although it does not say that in DR, that was my interpretation of what I should do. Since my wife refuses to end the A, I thought any action of mine regarding the A would be seen as pressuring/pursuing and ultimately move her closer to the OM. I thought I was supposed to back away and focus on me, not the affair. I guess I interpreted that wrong.
Kinda-sorta. You're not supposed to *focus* on it, but you SHOULD address it.
Unfortunately, DR says very little in about Infidelity (only one chapter), and most of that is geared toward a situation where the wayward spouse has already ended their affair and is even remorseful about it. Very few pages are written about what to do in the face of a hard-core, unrepentant affair (with the notable exception of the Last Resort Technique and the After-the-Last-Resort Technique, which is where you should start).
The reason I said "kinda-sorta" is that you should not FOCUS on it, but you DO need to address it. Immediately, with a "Make no mistake: I will not live in an open marriage" statement, and then by certain boundaries you need to lay out for your own protection. But once you do that, yes the focus should then turn to YOU -- your GAL stuff, your own self-improvements and introspection about your role in the demise of the marriage, etc. You circle back and re-enforce boundaries where necessary, and then you keep moving on with your own stuff.
It's a misconception and even a MYTH that DB and DR says to "totally ignore" the affair.
