What a difference a day makes. I wake up this morning and am instantly filled with grief and anger and desperation. I threw up this morning after I had a quick bite of breakfast. Keep in mind, my W leaves for work around 5:30 or so and I have to get the kids ready for daycare and myself ready for work.
You know how easy it would have been to simply call in and say I need a mental health day? You also know how difficult it would have been to sit around and wallow in self pity all day? I believe I basically am living a double life. The one where I put on a extremely hard outer shell that shows I am strong. The one I put on towards my friends and co-workers. The same one that allowed me to be the employee of the year last year in an organization that has over 7000 employees. The same one that acts like nothing is wrong.
Then, there is the real me. The one who constantly wants validation. The one who worries when things are not right. The one who is always concerned when things are not going the way they should. The man that is not the strong man I project. That is where my focus is on now. I focus on becoming that man on the inside as well. I focus on not being the pushover that I had become due to my circumstances. Better yet, I became that pushover because I allowed myself to be that pushover. You do whatever you need to honey, because your job is so stressful and you should take care of yourself.
Well, what about me? Why can't I do what I want? Why can't my W understand that I need a break as well? It's because I acted like I didn't need a break. She was more important than me. Now, I pay for doing this. I remember talking to a guidance counselor/pastor prior to getting married. I remember him vividly saying that individual needs must take the backseat to the needs of the M. That the M is more important than us individually. I really think back to this as potentially bad advice. I took this so literally. My M was more important than me, and the happiness of my W was more important than me.
Working together as a team is wonderful when both members are working towards the same goals. Maybe that is where we got off track. We were working towards the same goals, but not in concert. I expected the journey to be this way, while the journey turned out this way. Maybe that is why I hate my sitch so much? I thought I had done things so great and simply did not understand why I would not be shown the appreciation for doing what I did? My W was expressing gratitude in her own way. Why was that not enough for me?
These are the things I work on now.
M: 6 years, together 11 M: 31 W: 30 D 2, S 4 BD 3/26/15 (EA with OM)
