So Ss34 gets in touch with H, H tells him we will go eat when I get off work. SS34 text me and ask me what time I get off work, H told him he did not know.
THEN they make plans to meet at a time that I have to rush to get ready, to change clothes etc.
I have a mind to NOT go, so not in the mood now at all!!!
THEN H tells me I dont need to change clothes, not that again, not the telling me what to wear.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Wear what you have on and don't worry about it. You are coming home from work and will not have time to change. Sometimes we have to do things on the fly and this is one of them. Don't sweat the small stuff. Go, put in an appearance and be pleasant.
Once the dinner is over, it's over for another year and you don't have to deal w/this for another 12 months.
Breathe!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Update Went to dinner had a great time with the family.
While waiting for rest of family to arrive, H ask me if I moved his wedding ring. He said he has not seen it since I took our rings to be cleaned earlier this year. I told him I left it on his side of the dresser and the next day it was no longer there, so I assumed he put it away.
I know for a fact he placed it in his storage cube which sits on the dresser, cause I saw it there when looking for something else, but I did not tell him this.
I do wonder why he was asking, even bringing up the dam wedding ring that he has not worn in almost 2 years. Did he want to wear it today? I did not have my own, I do not wear it with him when we go places, it might be childish but I told him once before don't want no one to think Im a married woman out cheating with a single man.
So later we get home and we are sitting on our deck talking about the neighbors that are selling the houses and hoping for good new neighbors. H says we should sale this house and buy a bigger foreclosed home. I was like really, you want to sale this house and buy another house? He said maybe we can make a nice amount of money by selling, then get a bigger foreclosed home.
I told him I was surprised to hear he would want to purchase another home (did not say with me, but I wanted to)
I said we could sale if he wanted, and left it alone. He cannot sale this home, his name is not on it, and I had no energy to continue the conversation.
NO way in hell would I sale this house and purchase a home with him with our current situation. if I sale I will get an apartment something to rent.
WHAT in the world is going on now? What is he up to?
I need to stay very alert, feel like a shift is coming, no idea if positive or negative, no idea if this was a peek out of the shell or a confused man talking out the side of his head.
Either way, I'm not buying it!!!
As I walk away shaking my head saying under my breathe "what the heck now"
Last edited by 2BHappy; 04/14/1502:51 AM.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Interesting that he would ask about the ring. He may very well have been testing you to see if you actually knew where he had put it or he just forgot...but my money is on the fact that he knows exactly where it is.
What is w/these mlcers wanting to sell their homes and purchase new and bigger ones? My xh wanted to do this as well. His excuse was that he wanted to move closer to the city to go see ballet performances and other activities. Well, the my first thought was...what did he know about ballet? Nothing. They want change and don't care how they go about it. I'm glad you just listened and didn't remind him that his name isn't on it. Sell only if when you are ready to do so.
I think your h is still confused and is talking about anything that comes to mind. I also think he's looking for a reaction. You handled the evening quite nicely. It will be interesting to see what he comes up w/next.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I know non of us LBS wanted or deserve this treatment from our MLC's (or whatever the reason is).
I'm appear as a strong woman, I've taken care of myself and others for years, I've always been able to provide for myself.
BUT I eat to deal with issues, I'm over wieght, I need to lose min of 70 lbs..all this to say...somewhere I wonder what my self esteem issue are to even deal with this crap from my H.
Is this really love I have for him that is keeping me here, on stand by, is this fear of raising our son alone, or is this fear of being alone and scared of moving on,,,
Is my weight/self esteem issue keeping me here a LBS on stand by, hoping, praying wishing accepting much less then I deserve from my H.
I really wish I had the guts to tell him to leave, sometimes I want him to be some where else working him self or not, but out of my space, sometimes its time up, time to move on..
then something keeps me here, hoping praying wishing, some of it is guilt for my part in the M issues, but I thought I had moved on.
I'm really asking myself WHY am I still here in this situation.
My H is a very patient man, and as long as there is no drama, he will be "comfortable" in being how ever he wants, as long as I accept the way it is now,,,,
I have really backed off on initaitng ML (just not feeling it), don't even notice when he does not call me before he goes to work (I just realized I dont miss the calls or think about it)
I noticed I have not even really felt like brining up our R, M. I have thought about it but then was like its not worth it.
When I get "mad" at our situation and H is home, I leave the house to avoid brining it up.
Last time I invited him someplace I sent him a text (friends have invited up to a fight party), usually after the text I would ask him if he got it, and what did he think, this time NOPE, and dont plan on brining it up, other then a reminder to let him know that night when he gets home I will not be home (will tell him that day)
At the bday dinner, I made sure to sit where H could not sit next to me.
H newphews wedding in July, and Im going I want to go, I love my H family, they are my family now...but boy will I have as much fun with H there?
What phase is this for me?
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, From your posting, you sound like a stress eater. Just a suggestion...have some carrot sticks handy when you start to feel that need to be eating. Also, get into some of those activities such a belly dancing. That will not only will help you lose weight, but also firm you up just a bit while having some fun. Walking is another good way to stay busy, but also lose weight.
I think you are disgusted and discouraged today. I also think you were hoping that his crisis would have been moving at a quicker pace. Your h has got it made, so why would he rock the boat? He can't miss you because you are still there. You are still doing things for him. I know, he's there and you love him, but he's not budging and isn't learning anything when "mom" is around. In other words, he's comfortable.
If you send him a text, don't follow up to see if he got it, don't remind him of things. One time is enough w/all of the modern electronics today. He's a grown man and should be able to figure some things out for himself, even in crisis.
I think you are starting to realize that nothing is changing. If you want changes, you will need to be the one to make them for YOU and your son. I don't see your h having the "initiative" right now.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I don't know what to do? I thought I had made changes?
Short of asking H to leave, going back to being a WAS, refusing to have sex, asking for a D, what can I do?
Stop doing things? Family movie night, s14 is here so do I decline those (s14 was kinda upset the one time I did), stop inviting him to go places with me ( I can do this, but I only ask when friends invite US)
I can and will stop passing messages from SS's to H.
I mean, it seems like the only option I have is to continue as is, or FORCE something, start to rock the boat, start to make demands. I don't see or think that would help?
H being here at home is good and bad at times.
Im very tired of all of this.
Do I force the R talk, do I stop inviting him places, do I stop buying him gifts for bdays, fathers day, Christmas? Do I not go to the wedding with him and rest of the family? DO I ignore his phone calls? DO I stop talking to him when we are home together?
Do I only make enough dinner for s14 and I? Do I leave H's clothes dirty and only wash s14 and I clothes?
DO I hide the soap, toilet paper, toothpaste, and force him to get his own? Do I tell him I'm starting to feel anger toward this whole situation?
Job, I'm frustrated, I'm lonely, I'm sad, I'm mad, I'm ANGRY as hell, I'm tired.
I want to ask for this to move on for this to be over for a D!!!
But I'm trying to be patient, doing GAL as much as possible, focus on my s14, focused on my family, my work.
OMGoodness, I feel like Im going to explode and this came out of nowhere it seems.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
Happy, Your frustration is ringing out loud and clear. It's difficult when you have a MLCer at home because they are right there in your face. He may not even realize how he is behaving because he's not really focused on you right now. Keep in mind his empathy chip is broken and they can only focus on themselves and how they feel.
Here's the thing...your changes have to be for you and only you. You don't do them to get a reaction out of your h. You had been doing really well up until Valentine's Day. Even though you say you aren't "expecting" things from him...you still are. You are looking for any reaction from him and he's deep in the tunnel and it's going to take a while before he even begins to clear the fog from his eyes.
What I suggest is to treat him as a room mate. Would you text a room mate about an appointment and then text them again to ask if they got the message? I don't think so. Text him once w/the info and leave it be. Do you treat him as you would your son, i.e., being a mom? Think about that one just a bit. If your answer is yes, then stop being a mother to your man/child.
Yes, go to the wedding w/him if he should ask you to go w/him. Yes, you can take his calls, but don't be readily available all of the time. Yes, you can talk to him when you are home...but have some things that keep you busy so that you aren't spending so much time w/him. You've got to learn to be a "separate" individual from the "couple" that you have been in the past. Each of you need your space, especially him.
There comes a time when you need to think about what YOU want to do w/your life. If you think you are strong enough to have a conversation w/him about where the relationship is going and what you would need to meet your needs, then do it, but don't bring up the word divorce. You will need to stay calm and not be emotional about it.
Your h is very comfortable w/the way things are right now and has been for a while. You and only you can decide whether to rock the boat by having a conversation w/him, doing something different or continuing as you have been. If you want to continue as you have been, then you are going to need to find outside resources to help you get rid of that frustration, i.e., such as a hobby, the gym, walking, etc. Your frustration is going to eventually bubble up and you will explode either on your son or your h. It's best to get this stuff out of your system. If it helps come here and do the venting...but you will still need to do some work on the frustration in your real world.
Are you willing to wait another 1-3 years for his crisis to be over? As I stated above, you are the only one that can decide what you want to do. Don't be afraid to try different things. If something doesn't work, try something else.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
The better me changes Im making for me. Not to save this M or R.
Yes, I'm still expecting too much, way too much.
Room mate, Yes I need to see H as a room mate, who I would only expect to be respectful, pay 1/2 bills, clean up after themselves etc.
STOP being so available to him, I need the space also.
H has been more vocal and kinda excited about going to his newphews wedding, then he has been about anything in a long time.
I will go to the wedding, that is my plan at this time.
Prayed alot last night, this morning always helps.
Not planning a R talk right now, planning to go as dark as I can while living in same house.
New hobbie:, will be starting to learn belly dancing this weekend (found my DVD).
Not willing to wait too much longer, maybe thru end of 2015. I would not tell H that of course.
JOB, thank You so very much. I dont know if you know how much you especially help me, by just responding, by pointing out things so I can see more clearer.
Me 43 ring off Oct 2014 (my ring back on Feb 2015) H 51 (ring off 7/2013) M 2007 T 1996 S 14 July 2013- H told me he was unhappy.....said he is staying for Son Feb 18 2014 Found out about OW
