W won't stop EA with OM!

[Accuray]

Rubicon,

You are correct -- she's unlikely to agree to anything that would diminish her enjoyment of her EA. The "what should I do about A and what should I do about B" is a distraction that keeps you busy and prevents you from having to make the bold moves that Starsky and I are advocating.

You can easily convince yourself that this advice is ridiculous, overblown, not necessary in your case, etc etc but in reality you're feeling that it's too scary. Sit with that for a while -- analyze the fear. Look at it from different angles and understand it. What are you afraid of and why? Your fear holds you back and must be dealt with.

Do you know when you are 100% most likely to reconcile effectively?

When you no longer care if you do or not.

That's the honest and sad truth. Reconciliation requires a level playing field, an even starting line. BOTH of you need to be willing to walk and to believe the other one will leave. That makes you something worth having.

You are micro-focused in your questions above -- you need a big picture view.

Your very best chance of turning this around is as follows:

-- Do not do anything to support or enable her affair
-- Do not tolerate having it go on before you, kick the elephant out of the room. Don't be punishing about it, just remove yourself from situations where you are being disrespected
-- Move out or move her out. Do NOT co-habitate with a cheater. It's TOO HARD to save your marriage effectively in that context
-- Talk to a lawyer immediately, hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Begin accepting that you have to completely let her go in order to get her back
-- Tell her you will not support her if you are no longer acting as a married couple and that you expect her to find work to pay for her cell phone and anything else she needs.
-- Begin seeking alternate child care now so your wife can work

Is this harsh? Does it seem crazy? Is it like stepping off a cliff? I guarantee you'll look back two years from now and regret that you didn't do these things -- I guarantee that.

Acc