Getting back to me

[mustardseed]

I posted this on someone else's thread but I think I should put it here as a reminder and journaling experience. I've been thinking a lot about my night out and what I learned from it. Our crowd was a mixture of single and married people, and me--the in between. No one had their SOs with them. It made me think of what H's nights out without me might have been like.

I found that I could feel comfortable and attractive around other men, and the one I was the most drawn to was married. I didn't feel guilty about a little bit of flirting at the time but I felt awful a few days later. I was trying to figure out what it was about him that attracted me to him, and I realized because he reminded me of H. Not in looks or even personality, but something about the way he carried himself. Maybe it was the marriedness about him I liked. I liked the banter that was just comfortable and fun without any attachment or obligation or expectation. It made me think of how OW might have let her guard down with my H when her marriage was in trouble. I still hate her, but I kind of get it.

I think, for me, it felt like I got to be that friend that got to socialize with him. That is a role I got pushed out of with H. Even when we did go out together it was always with his friends and I always felt like the outsider. So different from when we met--I never thought our fun times together would end. But first he stopped wanting to go out with our mutual friends that we knew before we knew each other. He never would go out with my friends. When his friends started dating my friends he stopped wanting to hang out with them. And the rest of our marriage it was all about his work friends--which I was sometimes invited to, but always as the outsider--unless it was a family or couples outing, which he always tried to get out of going to. It felt good to be on the other side of things. The one who got to have fun and be in the mix, rather than the one sitting at home waiting or sitting on the sidelines while the banter went on around me. I realized that I am still that fun person he met. For some reason he didn't want me to be that anymore and I complied. I think that there is a reason why we become drawn to someone else who is unavailable during this time. The important thing is to recognize it for what it is and cut it off before it gets into the danger zone. The ego boost is useful, the unavailability makes it feel safe, but the reality is it has to stop immediately.